


Give me my Romeo

by Afriendlyenigma



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - No Bending (Avatar TV), Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, High School, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Pining, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Teen Angst, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:34:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 36,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26373547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Afriendlyenigma/pseuds/Afriendlyenigma
Summary: 15 year old Bato is in love with his best friend, Hakoda. Unable to imagine a world in which he could ever express his feelings, Bato resigns himself to a lifetime of pining. But it is clear Hakoda is going through issues of his own, and Bato's best friend may need him more than ever.
Relationships: Bato & Hakoda (Avatar), Bato/Hakoda (Avatar), Hama/Kanna (Avatar), Kanna (Avatar)/Original Male Character(s), bakoda
Comments: 71
Kudos: 78





	1. Bato: Like he knew snow is white and fish live in the sea

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever post to Ao3! I've become slightly obsessed with Bakoda and was inspired to create this alternative universe that is strongly inspired by the Avatar world but in what I imagine to be our equivalent of the late 70's. I'm still getting used to the tags, so if I've missed anything please let me know!
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

“… _And when he shall die_

_Take him and cut him into little stars_

_He will make the face of heaven so fine_

_That all the world would be in love with the night sky_

_And pay no worship to the garish sun.” –_ Romeo and Juliet, William Shakespeare

*

How had Bato never noticed before how the sunlight picked up strands of reddish gold in Hakoda’s dark brown hair? Just a few, but they shone like the sparkly thread Bato’s younger sisters sometimes braided into theirs. It was a little on the long side at the moment, the ends coming to well below his jawline; he shifted slightly, revealing glimpses of his creamy brown neck. Bato took a deep breath to compose himself. His poor heart had been going like an ice pick for more than an hour now, and he suspected that if he was fifty instead of fifteen, he’d have died of a heart attack. His whole body was engulfed by a sweet, delicious fire that bubbled through his veins and clouded his mind with a silky smoke that only allowed him to see one thing.

_Koda._

The irony wasn’t lost on Bato that he was sitting in History, not paying attention, thinking about the one specific part of the Literature lesson he’d just come out of he actually had paid attention to. Then again, how were you supposed to concentrate on your school work when it had just made you realise you were in love with your best friend? Bato had been identifying with the Dragon Empress in _Love Amongst the Dragons_ a lot more than he was comfortable with for quite a few lessons now, but today, with Malina reading the part, she’d finally given him the words to put to a feeling that had been consuming him for months now.

He was in _love_. With Hakoda. His best friend. There had been a reason why he’d been blushing furiously when they got changed for gym class, or when they went swimming in the sea or when he was pinned to the ground below him after one of their play fights. There was a reason that, for as long as he could remember, he was never happier than when he was with Koda, why he rarely stopped thinking of him.

Bato watched as Koda slid a little further down his seat. He was easily the smartest person in the room (teacher included) and had probably read ahead and already knew everything they were covering today. Given how distracted Bato had been by him lately, he almost always had to borrow Koda’s notes to copy out the large chunks he had missed. And not just in History, either. In many of their other classes they sat next to each other, and the challenge then was to try and –

“Bato, repeat what I just said, please?”

Bato felt his stomach drop through the floor as every set of eyes in the room turned to him. He gripped the edge of the desk in the hopes of stopping himself from hiding under it. Mr Narloq’s beady, yellowed eyes probed at him from the front of the room, like Wong Shi Tong about to swoop down on a field mouse.

To Koda’s credit, he was half a beat behind everyone else in turning to look at him. Bato broke Narloq’s stare to look at him instead. Maybe he would try and help him? Sure enough, his lips were moving. His soft, slightly chapped, beautifully formed lips.

Oh, right, _words._ Koda scowled at him, and then began whatever he had been trying to tell him again.

“ _The date the Fire Nation Navy was disbanded,”_ he whispered. Bato cursed silently and shrugged.

“Hakoda, turn back round, right now. I won’t have any conspiring going on.”

Koda hesitated for a moment as a mixture of rage and terror passed over his face, then he gave an enormous eye roll before complying.

“Well, I’m waiting.”

“Uh… something about the Fire Nation Navy disbanding…?”

Narloq was still for a few seconds longer than was comfortable. Then he picked up a pile of books that were on his desk and slammed them down. Malina, whose desk was closest, let out a shriek, but everyone else sat in a stunned silence.

“Now…”

Narloq was doing that thing where he would bang something about or shout at someone and then immediately afterwards speak in an unnaturally calm tone; it never failed to make Bato’s skin crawl, and was just about the only thing the man said he would pay attention to.

“Looking around, it is clear that I have just wasted the last twenty minutes of my life on an explanation that _clearly_ the majority of you were not doing me the basic courtesy of listening to. This time next year you will all be preparing to sit your examinations, and you will live to sorely regret your inattentiveness. What are you all planning to do? Rely on Hakoda and Pon to pull you through it? Well?”

Bato had always thought Koda had beautiful hair. He remembered when they first started school together, there was a toy hairdressing set in the classroom that had pink wooden brushes. Sometimes, on a Friday after lunch when their teacher had given up trying to control them, Bato would spend the free playtime brushing Koda’s hair. He probably made a right mess of it, but now there was nothing he wouldn't give for the chance to get his hands in it. He could run his fingers through it, maybe gently tug on it. He’d been suffering from headaches and stomach pain recently, especially after they’d had History. Especially on a Friday afternoon, when for some reason Narloq was really in the mood act like he was Fire Lord Sozin. His friend deserved such treatment, especially since he paid attention for both of them. It would show him how much he cared, take away the tension in his body and help him remember that life was for enjoying. Such thoughts gave Bato a rush that sent shivers throughout his entire body. He would have to be careful when he stood up, now.

Wait…

No… he shouldn’t be having these thoughts.

Shouldn’t he?

“WELL?”

Narloq had stormed his way over to loom over poor Pon. Pon – along with Malina - was Bato’s second best friend, and thankfully stirred no romantic feelings in him whatsoever. Pon was almost as smart as Hakoda, but he was also a massive wuss. He practically cowered in his seat as he frantically shook his head. Bato risked a glance at Koda, his stomach sinking as Narloq found his new target. 

The stand-off with Narloq must only have lasted a few seconds, but to Bato it may have gone on for hours. Eventually, Koda sighed and folded his arms. A gnarled vein in Narloq’s forehead had come out, and he practically quaked as he stared Koda down. Koda didn’t relent. He never relented.

“ _Right..._ ”

Narloq was tall, so he only had a few steps to walk to grab his belt from his desk. Bato didn’t manage to catch his gasp in time. He couldn’t see Koda’s face, but he didn’t need to, because he knew he would not even let himself flinch.

“I’ve about had enough of you and your defiant, surly attitude. You might get away with that from my colleagues because you pull their averages up far enough they don’t resign out of shame, but I am _not_ going to put up with it!”

Bato burst to his feet.

“I… I’m sorry I wasn’t listening. It’s my fault, he was only trying to help me. Please, don’t punish him.”

For a second, Bato was sure he was going to take him up on the offer. He screwed his eyes shut and held his hand out in front of him. But then Narloq sighed, and Bato peeked an eye open to see him looking down his nose at him, but the hand holding the belt relaxed at his side.

“Fine. I’ll draw a line under it. Today. Only because I suddenly can’t be bothered with the paperwork.”

The rest of the lesson passed in tense silence, with the sole of exceptions of Narloq’s impassioned droning and the scrape of chalk on the blackboard. Any sane person would surely have learned their lesson, but where Koda was concerned, Bato was not sane. He took in not one single word and instead stared at Koda’s back. Despite his friend’s courageous stoicism, he knew from the slump of his shoulders and the angle he held his head at that he was at the end of his tether _._ Seeing him like that made Bato’s chest ache; may have well have been experiencing it for himself. If only he could take in on f _or_ Koda, so that his friend may never feel pain again. Koda wasn’t made for _this._ In the not too distant past, he would’ve made an ideal chief. Maybe he would have stopped the Fire Nation and later the Earth Kingdom from colonising the Water Tribe in the first place.

Eventually, the bell went.

“Hey, come on, let’s get the fuck out of here.”

Koda didn’t wait for him; Bato had to shove his stuff into his school bag and almost jog until he finally caught up with him, Pon and Malina at the bottom of the steps of the main entrance.

“For fuck’s sake, that man has in it for us.”

Bato and the other boys hummed in agreement as Malina lit up a cigarette. She technically wan't meant to until they were outside of school grounds, but on a Friday afternoon the teachers weren’t going to delay the start of their weekends long enough to deal with it. Koda walked beside Bato with his head down, with a foot between them instead of almost brushing arms like they usually did.

“I don’t think he’s ever spoken directly to me before today. I thought I was gonna crap myself,” Pon said, before taking a drag of Malina’s cigarette. They had pulled ahead of him and Koda a little, and the foot between them felt more like a mile.

“Are you alright?”, Bato asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Thanks for that.”

Koda stared at the ground.

“Oh, it’s no problem. It was my fault, anyway.”

“You know he’s probably gonna use that against us, from now on, play us off against each other?”

That had been bugging at the back of Bato’s mind, too. A pang of guilt gripped his gut.

“I’m sorry. I’ll try not to let him notice me again.”

Malina and Pon were a few feet ahead of them now, but had stopped and were peering at them with looks of interest.

“Don’t bother. If I can’t escape his wrath, no one can.”

Koda turned his head even further away from him as his voice grew suspiciously thick.

“Hey,” Bato said, panicking. “Don’t let him get to you like that. You were so strong back there, too.”

“I said I’m fine!”

He stormed ahead of him, past even Pon and Malina. Malina looked between him and Bato as she lit another cigarette.

“Is it just me, or has he been in a _weird_ mood today?” she asked.

“He’s been in a weird mood full stop, lately,” Pon replied, his hand extended for his turn of the cigarette.

The three of them looked at each other and seemed to come to a collective decision not to go after him. Malina gave the cigarette to Pon as they started walking again and moved in beside Bato.

“Do you have any idea what’s wrong with him?”

“Uh, no. I don’t.”

“I thought he told us the other day his parents are arguing a lot lately?”

Koda had done nothing more than casually mention at registration on Monday that they had left him in peace to study for the tests they had that because they had too busy bickering over the organisation of the household filing cabinet, but as usual Pon was almost supernaturally observant.

“Oh, nah, they’ve sorted that now. They’re meeting with their solicitor in Omashu next week to finalise paying their mortgage off, actually.”

“Ooh, that’s exciting!” Malina said, giving him his complimentary offer of a cigarette, which he waved off. Bato wasn’t quite sure what was exciting about mortgages.

“I guess. I can’t think of anything else, except that, you know, it’s Koda.”

“Is he just stressing out? The school puts so much pressure on him, even more than me because I’m a couple of points behind him.”

“Oh, Koda," Malina sighed. "He works so hard.”

The walk home was rather sombre, after that. Pon broke off first, then Malina took the turn off just before the street Bato lived on to go to work at her Uncle’s grocery store. Finally alone now, Bato could see his house from the road but found he didn’t want to go in. What would he do, listen to his mother complain about the mess it was in and worry all night about Koda?

Bato kept going. The houses got larger and larger with every step, until he found himself in the cul de sac Koda lived on. Both his parents worked, so they could afford a proper three bedroomed house. One of them was actually a spare one since Koda was an only child; Bato had his own room that was barely bigger than a cupboard, and his three sisters all shared. Even just looking at the house from the outside made Bato feel like he could expand, take up room where he often found he had to make himself scarce at home. He was already tall and hadn’t finished growing, but Koda’s house was built to standard Earth Kingdom dimensions that could easily accommodate him.

Although the house itself made him feel calm, he couldn’t shift the small knot in his stomach as he rang the doorbell. The dogs began barking, and he heard Koda’s mother bark back at them to be quiet, and the door opened a few seconds later.

“Oh, hi, Bato!”

Where his own mother was normally in the middle of something when he came home, Kanna always greeted him with a wide smile.

“Hi, Kanna,” he said.

“I take it you just had the History lesson from hell, then?”

She sounded nonchalant enough, but her face was pinched with worry as she glanced her eyes up through the ceiling.

“Uh, yeah.”

“Well, he says he wants to be left alone, but I’m sure he’ll make an exception for you.”

She opened the door wider and motioned for him to come in. The dogs – Akhult and Amarok – calmly came to greet him, wagging their tails and rolling on their backs, like the big fluffy wolves they were. He said hello to both of them, before they both dashed off into the kitchen as Kanna began to move in that direction.

“I’ll give you guys a few minutes and I’ll bring something up to eat.”

Bato had the sudden urge to refuse her offer as had been instilled in him by his own parents, but he’d learned it was useless here.

“Oh, and, Bato? Thank you for coming after him.”

“It’s no problem. What happened was my fault, anyway.”

“No, it’s not. That man’s a bastard.”

Kanna disappeared into the kitchen before she could see his shocked face. Koda had said his mother only swore when she really, _really_ meant it.

It was strange, feeling this nervous as he went up to Koda’s bedroom. Well, he was always slightly nervy around him these days anyway, seeing he was apparently in love with him and all, but he wasn’t sure how he was going to be received this time. He took a deep breath and chapped on the door.

“Koda?” he called. “It’s me.”

For a second, he thought he wasn’t going to respond, but then the door squealed open.

“Oh, uh, hi, Bato. Did I forget something?”

Bato tried to pretend he hadn’t noticed that his eyes were slightly red. He’d pulled his hair out of the half ponytail he usually wore it in, and he’d changed out of his school uniform into a very, _very_ tight-fitting blue t-shirt.

“Oh, no. I was just wanting to make sure you’re OK. You seemed really upset when we left school.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry I snapped at you like that.”

Koda held the door open in an eerie echo of his mother with the front one. Bato stepped inside and tried not to inhale his scent too deeply as he dumped his bag on the floor.

“You’ve tidied.”

The room wasn’t by any means actually tidy, but he’d gotten rid of the empty wrappers, bottles and laundry since Bato had last been in.

“Yeah. I’m trying to do a bit every day.”

His bed at least had been made. They both crawled onto it and sat crossed legged as Koda dumped whatever manga he’d been reading onto the floor.

“So, uh, that was shit show.”

Koda sighed and clawed his hair off his face.

“I know. I only remembered when I was walking home that he’s not supposed to belt us in front of the class.”

“Have you told your mum he was going to do that?”

“No. She’d go apeshit and I just can’t be bothered with the fallout from that, you know?”

Koda shut his eyes and clonked his head back against the wall. It was only now that Bato realised how much tension he’d been holding all day. Seeing him curled up on his bed wearing comfortable clothes and his hair unbound…

No, now wasn’t the time for that. The hand he placed on Koda’s forearm was genuinely to comfort him, and it didn’t matter if the heat of his skin and the soft brush of hair against his fingers sent a thrill through Bato.

“Are you OK? Just generally, I mean. Pon and Malina and I were talking, and we’re all worried about you.”

Koda opened his eyes after a few seconds and looked at him. He was beautiful, as always, but was clearly exhausted, physically and emotionally. Bato fought the urge to take him into his arms and instead moved a little closer, squeezing the hand on his arm. Koda huffed and stared at his ceiling.

“I don’t know,” he said.

He slumped over so his head rested lightly against Bato’s shoulder. Bato’s heart gave a lurch in his chest.

“You don’t seem happy, to me.”

How did he smell so _good_? He now did wrap an arm around him. He was warm, too.

“I hate it, Bato.”

“What, school?”

“Yeah. I hate it so much.”

Bato knew exactly what he wanted to do. He wanted to press soft kisses to his face, tell him how wonderful he was; how smart, caring, funny, attractive.

It was almost a relief when the door opened again.

“Here we are, boys.”

Kanna came in holding a tray. She’d taken her hair out of the bun she wore it in for work, the ends coming to rest just above her waist. He knew for a fact many men throughout the Water Tribe (not necessarily the single ones, either) wanted her. Hell, _Pon_ teased Hakoda that his mother was hot. But Bato… didn’t feel anything, not like that.

“Thanks, mum,” Koda mumbled as she placed it on the bed in front of them.

“That’s alright, darling. The fruit was needing used up, anyway.”

She leant over to kiss him on the forehead.

“Alright. I’m just going to walk the dogs. Actually, Bato, do you fancy staying for dinner? Arnoq’s just phoned to say he’d got a late meeting tonight so there’s plenty to go round.”

Bato glanced at Koda, who had finally cracked a hopeful smile.

“Yeah, I would, thanks.”

“That’s fine, then. I’ll try and catch your mum on the way past.”

She stopped to pick up Koda’s discarded uniform before heading back downstairs. Bato, realising how hungry he was, tucked into the cut-up fruit with gusto. His own family couldn’t afford to buy fruit and even if they did his own mother would never have the time or inclination to chop it up like that. Rather than be jealous of what Koda had like some others had over the years, Bato had learned to just enjoy what he could when he could of Kanna’s attention. She only had Koda, after all; perhaps it was as much a novelty to her to have someone else to make a fuss of as it was for him to be made a fuss of.

Once they’d finished the fruit, Koda was in a much brighter mood. He got up to go to his cupboard to get his Pai Sho board (which was placed on top of a precarious pile of clothes supported by old toys be probably hadn’t so much looked at in years), but started rifling through the piles of cleaned and ironed laundry on his desk instead.

“Do you want something to wear, just so you don’t have to sit in your uniform?”

“Oh, uh, yeah, if you don’t mind?”

“Nah, it’s fine. I think these should fit.”

He smiled over his shoulder as he tossed Bato an oversized blue hoodie and shorts. Bato caught them, but only just. Did Koda have any idea how he looked when he was genuinely happy like that? It was rare these days, to see that big beaming grin, how his whole face just lit up like the milky way in the night sky.

“Oh, thanks. I’ll just go and get changed, then.”

“Sure, I’ll get the board set up. And Bato?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for coming and not letting me wallow in my own self-pity, like that. I should have you guys over after school more often.”

Bato had been about to press down the door handle when he turned to look, expecting him to meet his eyes in earnest, but he was focused on counting out the Pai Sho pieces from the box. Because of course he was; it wasn’t like he was in love with him, was he?

“Yeah, I just thought you could probably use some cheering up. I’ll be back in a minute.”

The little pang of disappointment thankfully didn’t last too long, because he was able to use the privacy of the bathroom (the _upstairs_ bathroom, no less, which was almost bigger than Bato’s bedroom. At home, all six of them shared just one that was barely big enough to hold the bathtub, and being the only boy there was never any hot water left by the time it was his turn. Using the shower at Koda’s whenever he stayed over was a secret decadence of his that his family knew nothing about) to take a deep, shameless inhale of Koda’s hoodie. It predominantly smelled of laundry detergent, but there was something about it that left him in no doubt it belonged to Koda. It felt almost wrong, that his friend was unaware of the significance of this to him.

If it was wrong, why did it feel so right?

He got changed and made his way back to Koda’s room before he got too distracted. Koda was waiting for him, sprawled over his bed like a figure wrapped in fine cloth in some ancient painting. Now wearing his clothes, sat in his room across from the boy himself on his bed, every one of Bato’s senses were absolutely saturated with Koda. He knew he stood no chance; he was beaten by the time they were called down to dinner. Kanna had made fish stew, and gave them enormous bowls which left Bato feeling so full he thought we would burst. After that, they went up for another couple of rounds, then they talked about the manga series they were both reading through, and then it was almost ten o’clock.

“I suppose I’d better go home.”

“Oh, yeah, it’s pretty late, already.”

They both lay on their stomachs, turned slightly to face each other. If he had been following normal social conventions there should have been a lot more space between them, but Bato couldn’t resist the opportunity to be close to him. The conversation had slowed up, and Bato had just been enjoying being in his presence.

“Alright,” he said, reluctantly. “Do you want to hang out tomorrow? Or Sunday, maybe?”

Koda shook his head.

“I want to really concentrate on revising for the maths test on Thursday. I’d have started by now, normally, but after they brought the geography one forward I run out of time.”

“Oh, okay. I guess I’ll see you Monday morning, then?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh, and do you want your clothes back?”

“Nah, keep them.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. Compensation, for putting up with me being in a bad mood.”

The smile Koda gave him almost made his knees buckle.

“Oh. Thanks. Night, night, then.”

“Night, night.”

*

Bato didn’t so much walk as float home. The night air was chilly, and he was glad of the hoodie. Even outside, he could still smell him.

By the time he got back, his parents and younger sisters were in bed, and only his older sister, Hekka, was still in the living room.

“You’re late back,” she said, looking up from what appeared to be Chemistry homework. He sighed happily and collapsed onto the floor by the low table beside her.

“Yeah, decided to hang out a Koda’s. Had dinner there, too.”

“Well, aren’t you the chosen one? I think Kanna must’ve been speaking to mum when she was out with the dogs and told her then. She was a bit pissy about it at first but then she realised she could add what would have been your portion of rice to the emergency jar, so she was fine after that.”

Hekka began closing her books, yawning.

“You’re working late,” he remarked.

“Ugh. Yeah. I’m at a party tomorrow night, and it’s a big task so I’m going to need Sunday night to do it as well. You know what it’s like trying to work, around here.”

Bato sighed. It was impossible to concentrate in their tiny house. He got on as best as he could with an old wind up radio turned up as loud as it would go, and Hekka just waited until after their parents had gone to bed so she could get the living room to herself.

“Yeah.”

“So,” she said, brightening and wrapping her elbows round her knees, like a pixie. “Where’d you get _those?_ Lost property?”

“No,” he scowled. “If you must know, Koda let me borrow them.”

“Oh, did you jizz yourself again?”

“ _Hekka!”_

“Alright, I’m kidding. I wish I had a friend like that. Then I wouldn’t have to go out wearing the same clothes I’ve had since I was, like, twelve.”

“You have a job.”

“Yeah, a _shit_ job. And anyway, I’ve been trying to save for driving lessons so I can get a better job so I _can_ buy clothes. I can’t get by scrounging off my friends, like _someone_ I could mention.”

Bato rolled his eyes while she sniggered at him. 

“Well, if you’ll excuse me, I have manga to read.”

“Don’t stay up too late. Mum wants the house cleaned top to bottom tomorrow, and she ain’t kidding this time.”

“Whatever. See you.”

“See you.”

As soon as he pulled his bedroom door shut behind him, he carefully lowered himself onto his (very) squeaky old bed and hugged himself. He still couldn’t believe him luck, to have some of Koda’s clothes to smell whenever he wanted. He took a deep inhale, and imagined his friend’s arms around him, his nose in at his neck, mouthing, exploring…

Bato flopped onto his back and closed his eyes, grinning to himself. His family may struggle to get by, but as long as he had Koda, he would always feel like the richest, luckiest guy in the world.

Although, even in some weird alternate reality where Koda would for some reason punch far enough below his weight to actually love him back…

Well…

Bato was gay. That was simple enough. He had never had any interest in girls or women; he didn’t understand what there was to be interested in. There wasn’t much he could do about that. And even if he could, he wouldn’t want to. Not if it meant giving up what he felt about Koda.

The Water Tribe didn’t have a problem with gay people in the same way the Earth Kingdom did, where until recently you could go to prison for it. They didn’t even particularly have a problem with people _acting_ gay, so long as you were subtle about it. But for Bato to be in love with another man, and to want a serious relationship with? It was unthinkable. Whenever a gay couple were shown on the Fire Nation dramas that were sometimes on TV, his father would noisily read the paper or leave the room. He didn’t _need_ to have a conversation with him to know he would strongly disapprove. His mother’s approval he’d lost anyway, just by being the boy spoiling her brood of girls.

It wouldn’t necessarily be a problem, accepting he was gay, if that were the only thing he had to accept.

Why, _why,_ did he have to fall in love with his best friend?

The more he thought about it, the more he realised he had always been in love with Hakoda. He remembered how back during their first year of school the girls were always playing house, and dragging whatever boys they fancied in to play the roles of the dads. Koda had been a firm favourite. The girls had practically fought over him. And Bato had always fought back for possession of him. He realised now, he was jealous. One of the girls in particular, Kenna, would kiss him on the cheek and sit on his lap. One day, he’d gotten so angry he’d grabbed one of the light wooden stools and clobbered her over the head with it. He’d gotten into a massive amount of trouble, of course, and his parents were both furious and mortified, but he didn’t care. She was a bit of a bully even then, so the rest of the class were probably glad, but no one had had any idea _why_ he’d done it. And even on the rare occasion he was picked to be the dad, he protested. He knew, even then, like he knew that snow is white and fish live in the sea, that when he grew up, he didn’t want to live with some girl. He wanted to live with _Koda._

Throughout the rest of primary school and into secondary school, he’d been obsessed with Hakoda. He wanted to spend every waking minute possible with him. Koda knew him better than anyone, even his own parents.

He _wanted_ him. He wanted him so much he would endure anything for him. He would put up with any amount of his parents bullshit, any amount of being abused by his teachers. There was nothing he would not do for Koda. It terrified him a little, lying alone on his bed, how it was possible to feel this way about someone. He had spent the last few months worrying there was something wrong with him, until the Dragon Empress had put it into words for him, and finally, he understood.

He took the hoodie off and crushed it to his face. Koda’s scent calmed him in some ways; he rarely felt anxious when they were together. And in others, it excited him.

It was quite some time before he went to sleep.


	2. Hakoda: he felt like he was stumbling through the tundra

Hakoda had lain awake for a while now, listening to the birds trill outside his window. He’d woken once during the night to find his lamp still on and his face planted in the manga novel he was reading, then twice more after that. After the third time, a faint yellow glow had begun to filter through his bedroom curtains, and he resigned himself to being awake for the day.

He knew he’d been dreading yesterday’s history lesson, but he hadn’t realised just how he’d been holding the stress in his body; he felt like he’d been crushed by an iceberg, and even turning over in bed was such an _effort._ He had been coaxing himself to get up the whole time he'd been awake, but couldn't muster the will. He had so much homework and studying to get through that he was probably too sleep deprived to concentrate on properly. But then again, he'd somehow managed to get through an entire week of school feeling like he was stumbling through the tundra; cold, afraid, with no sense of where he was or where he was going _._ Every night he’d lain awake for hours with his stomach churning, as though it wanted to make him sick but couldn’t bring itself to. It was worse, during school, but he could distract himself, and he was so used to it now he barely noticed it, sometimes. He knew he should tell his mother about it, how it’s not just an occasional thing, anymore, and that he’s worried there’s something seriously wrong with him, but that would almost certainly make her freak out and cart him off to the hospital which would involve time away from school that he couldn't afford.

What a life he had. He always had Friday nights off; Bato knew this, and that was probably why he’d come over. But the rest of his time during the term was almost entirely consumed by school. And now he had to get up and do _more_ fucking work. It never ended. It was never enough. They always wanted more from him. 

_"I've not doubt of your abilities to pass the entrance exam for the university in Omashu, or even Ba Sing Se. But you have to take the next two years very seriously, Hakoda. I would hate to see you under-perform and miss out."_

Koda almost wished he'd never had that conversation with his guidance counsellor. Now, every time he felt like slacking off or putting in anything less than one hundred percent effort into anything, he felt a crushing sense of guilt. _Everything_ took on an enormous weight, like if he made one mistake he would ruin his life. Hunting, fishing, hiking, camping, even just hanging around talking to his friends, all the things he enjoyed felt like indulgences that he couldn't afford. When would it end? _Would_ it ever end? 

Koda curled up on himself. Applying pressure always seemed to help. The pain had only just started; an achy one low in his gut this time, which meant he’d stressed himself out to a point where his digestion had been affected. That would mean probably a good half hour at least he’d have to factor in at some point that day of suffering the consequences of that.

There was only one thing for it. 

Shifting onto his stomach (that felt better, having his full weight pressing on it), he reached under his bed and felt for the book he was reading. Koda made himself comfortable and flicked through it. _Love Amongst the Dragons_ was a classic Fire Nation play, and although his enjoyment of it was slightly tainted by the fact they were studying it in Literature at the moment, this manga version had won awards in the Fire Nation and he'd been desperate to get his hands on it for ages. He knew the story by heart, of course, but the illustrations were what Koda really loved. When it came to Bato’s turn to read this one (the four of them all borrowed each other's), he could probably explain all the different techniques that were used, but Koda just liked to look.

Just over hallway through, there was a middle spread of coloured illustrations on glossy paper. Even in his own bedroom in the semi-darkness, he felt his cheeks flush, and for a moment he stilled completely to make sure there was no sound coming from his parents' room. On the left page was the dragon empress in human form, straddling Noren, wearing nothing but a thin, gauzy robe that showed her breasts, her waist, her hips… He could stare at it for hours. But then on the other side, Noren was the focus. He sat on the edge of the bed, the empress on her knees before him, his bare chest and arms bulging as he fought to hold himself upright, drowning in pleasure. The way he was drawn made the moonlight cast shadows on his muscles;Koda could almost swear he could see them move.

There were others scattered throughout, but these two were the most explicit, and his favourites. They worked together, as a pair, the empress’ soft curves and mysterious eyes and Noren’s hard, square planes and expressive face.

A few minutes later, he put the book away and lay on his back, trying to catch his breath. His heart raced, his face turned up in a smile, and he was no longer in pain.

Later, as he was fighting his way through the maths revision materials, it occurred to him that this thoughts were wandering to Noren's muscles as much as they were the empress' curves.


	3. Bato: His hands would forever be sliding down the glass

_“This is your fault, Amka!”_

_“No, it’s not, you stupid bitch! Hekka! Hekka, we need help! HEKKA!”_

Bato’s heart went out to his older sister, who was sat with her back to his bedroom door with her head in her hands.

Bato wasn’t quite sure what had happened. He’d been in his room all morning, sorting the screws in his father’s toolbox by size, whilst the girls cleaned the house. Amka was ten (although she swore more than Bato and his other sisters put together) and Ukki was twelve, so it fell to eighteen-year-old Hekka to try and direct them into getting the house into some sort of order in time for their parents coming back from running errands. Although the task Bato had been given was time consuming and dull, he was glad he didn’t have to be involved in the shouting match that was going on. He’d learned long ago not to intervene, lest he take his life into his hands and risk having something thrown at him. So, as usual, he stayed in his little prison cell. Eventually, he heard screaming, then something smashed, and then when his door quietly opened and closed he looked up to see Hekka sliding to the floor. At most, she would have a couple of minutes respite before the girls ran out of places to look, but they were a couple of minutes that might stop her from actually murdering them. His bedroom may be small, but for Hekka he supposed it was the one place in the house where she didn’t have to be the responsible eldest daughter; he figured it was the least he could do, really, to offer her sanctuary.

Slowly, knowing time was running out, Hekka pulled her hands away from her face and looked up at him through damp lashes.

“I can’t do this,” she whispered. Footsteps – probably Amka in Hekka’s old trainers - pounded along the hallway outside his room. Bato sighed and manoeuvred himself off his bed to sit in front of her.

“What happened?” he asked, pulling her in for a hug. She squeezed him back, tightly.

“Amka was dusting one of Gran-gran’s old vases, and then they started arguing about where it went back and it got dropped before I could tell them to stop.”

A warm tear slid down Bato's neck.

“Hey,” he said. “Why don’t we swap? I’ll go and clean up the mess, and you can finish off organising Dad’s toolbox.”

Hekka sniffed, and he felt her nod.

“You’ll be OK, with them?”

“I’ll be fine. You need a break.”

Hekka sighed against his neck. He’d overtaken her in height a couple of years ago, and now he could easily enfold his big sister in his arms.

“It’s pretty fucking sad, this, isn’t it?”

“Yeah. It is.”

A fist pounded against the door.

“HEKKA! Ukki’s being mean to me!”

“I’ll go,” Bato said, as he felt her tense.

Once he’d made it perfectly clear to them that they’d upset Hekka, the girls became somewhat subdued and got on with their chores while he cleaned up the broken vase. It was a cheap piece of shit like almost everything else in their house, but their mother would doubtless act like they'd smashed the centrepiece at a Royal banquet in the Earth King's palace. Amka may have been the one that dropped it, but she would deny it, and Hekka would be blamed for allowing it to happen in the first place. Bato decided that he would take the rap, for this one.

Although he supposed anybody would find clearing up their little sisters' messes irritating, he genuinely didn't mind cleaning and tidying. He found it gave him an immediate sense of satisfaction, and made him feel that little bit more in control of his life. He and Koda were similar in so many ways, but he supposed that was one of their key differences. Koda - as evidenced by the state of his bedroom - was absolutely hopeless at it, so if Bato happened to be over and Kanna had given him a list of stuff she wanted him to do, Bato would help. Chopping wood together was always fun, and using the fancy vacuum cleaner while the dogs ran around barking was a novelty that had never quite worn off. Bato had even once cleaned the toilets there, and Koda had later fed him a piece of his dessert off his spoon in gratitude.

How was Koda, today, he wondered? He was probably stressing out about homework, as usual. He didn't have any more to do than Bato had, but the amount of effort he was expected to put into it in order to get straight A's with the view of getting into one of the universities verged on inhumane. Not many from the Water Tribe went to university, which was why the school made a massive deal of anyone they thought could make a go of it. Sometimes, Bato felt that his friend was so caught up in thinking about his future that he forgot he had a life _now._ Koda himself would admit he was a strategic thinker, and could see the whole snowstorm in his mind's eye. Bato, on the other hand, could hone in on the wonder of a single snowflake. He suspected that was how they worked together so seamlessly, on hunting and fishing trips,school projects, pulling pranks and anything else they did. But it was always Koda who piled all the responsibility of the success or failure of something onto himself. Although that had been useful in how he naturally took command during their ice dodging ceremony almost two years ago, it probably wasn't a sustainable mindset for getting through school. If only he could learn to just _relax_. Bato had some ideas -

“What the hell’s up with _you?_ ”

Amka, having apparently gotten over any fleeting guilt about Hekka, stood over him with her hands on her hips. She hadn’t really had a growth spurt yet, so she looked about as threatening as a slightly irritated otter-penguin. Bato looked down, and realised how little of the vase he had brushed onto the dustpan.

“Get lost,” he said. “Don’t you have something you’re supposed to be doing?”

“You’ve been acting really weird, lately, Bato.”

“Yeah,” Ukki said from somewhere out of Bato’s line of sight. “Maybe he’s thinking about his _girlfriend!_ ”

Bato rolled his eyes and tried to ignore them as they started cackling at each other.

“I didn't think girls liked you, Bato!”

He sighed, and decided not to respond.

By the time he’d cleaned up the broken vase, Hekka had emerged from his bedroom and had begun to prepare lunch.

“Are you OK?” he asked her, as she stirred the pot with a vacant expression.

“I’m OK. Just…” She gestured to the air with her free hand. “This is my life.”

“Yeah… me, too.”

Continuing to ignore the girls - who had started up arguing in the living room again - Bato took out a chopping board and began cutting up the carrots Hekka had laid out for what looked like some sort of soup. His father thought it was unbecoming that he helped his mother and Hekka in the kitchen, but he wanted to be helpful. Besides, since it seemed likely he was going to end up living on his own eventually, it was probably a good idea he knew how to cook on a proper oven instead of just a campfire. Koda's father, who could barely turn an oven _on_ _,_ admitted that he could not work the long hours he did without a wife to keep him fed. With the increasing likelihood that he would have to fend for himself in Omashu or Ba Sing Se as a student for four years, Koda bad been picking up bits and pieces from Kanna and his grandmothers. Nothing extravagant but Bato reckoned that between the two of them them they could probably keep themselves alive for a few weeks. But they were both most at home with an open fire, cooking freshly caught fish as they laughed and joked. They could live like _that_ forever. Just the two of them. Together. Each other's constants in the ever changing landscape of the Water Tribe territory's ice caps and tundra.

“You’re smiling.”

“I am?”

“Hmm. There’s only one explanation for smiling like that whilst chopping bloody carrots.”

“Uh-huh? And what might that be?”

“You’re in love.”

Bato put the knife down before he cut one of his fingers off. He glanced at Hekka, who stared at him expectantly, one brow raised, a knowing smirk on her face.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, not you too, Hekka.”

“You aren’t being awfully subtle about it, to be fair. So, come on, you can tell _me_. Are you?”

Bato finished off the carrot he had been chopping and scraped what he had done so far into the pot Hekka had on the stove.

“It’s complicated,” he said.

“So…I take it you haven’t told them yet, how you feel?”

“No.”

She didn’t say anything for a moment while she stirred the pot. Thinking he was safe, Bato started chopping the rest of the carrots.

“Are you scared they don’t like you back?”

Bato narrowed his eyes are her. It was a little disconcerting she was referring to his love interest as ‘they’, whereas Amka and Ukki had been sure it was a girl.

“Even if they did, it wouldn’t matter, anyway.”

“Why? I think it’s that wonderful you’ve fallen in love with someone.”

“It’s just… I don’t know…”

He looked away from Hekka, who had now stopped stirring the soup and had her attention firmly fixed on him.

“You’re still wearing Hakoda's hoodie.”

Bato froze. He had slept curled around it, and he couldn’t resist putting it back on again when he was getting dressed that morning. What an _idiot_ he was. For a second, he thought he was going to be sick. He wanted to run, but his body simply wouldn't obey him.

“Oh…!”

Hekka gave an excited gasp. Bato looked at her sharply, blinking away the moisture that had begun to form in his eyes, and watched as her face slowly fell.

“Oh. Oh, Bato. I’m so sorry.”

Before he could waste his breath trying to deny it, she pulled him in for a tight hug. When his arms thawed themselves enough he was able to squeeze her back, he felt a single tear drip off the end of his nose. The wave of relief that washed over him made him feel like his knees would buckle under his weigh if his sister hadn’t been holding him up.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner? You know I’m always here for you.”

Bato swallowed, and desperately tried to keep his voice steady.

“I didn't want anyone to know.”

“How long have you been keeping this to yourself?”

“I’ve known I’m gay for a while, now, but it was really just yesterday I realised that I.. you know… I like him, like that.”

Hekka sniffed as she pulled away from him to hold him by the shoulders. The pot was threatening to boil over, and there was some very strong language coming from the living room, but neither of them could care less.

“So, what’re you going to do, now? It must be awful being around him all the time when you feel like that and can’t tell him.”

“I don’t know. I don't want to risk ruining our friendship, or, you know, my life.”

“Oh, I wish I could do something to help you.”

“It’s fine. I’ve already accepted I’ll just have to live with it.”

Even as he said it, he knew the words were empty. Unable to look at her watering eyes, Bato wiped his own with the sleeve of Koda's hoodie and turned back to the carrots.

“So, what, are you just going to try and get over him?"

Bato sighed and blinked more tears out of his eyes. He swallowed again and bit his lip, but when Hekka rubbed her hand over his back, he knew he was losing his battle with the sobs that were fighting their way up from his chest.

"I... I don't _want_ to get over him, Hekka. I want -"

“HEKKA! THEY’RE HOME!”

Hekka swore and patted his shoulder with her other hand.

"I better go. We'll talk more later, OK?"

She rose on her toes to kiss his cheek, and before he could find the breath reply she had run off out the kitchen. Again, she would take the blame for something the girls did, all because he was a pathetic piece of shit who couldn't accept reality. He held his breath and clenched his fists, and prayed to Tui and La to make him _stop crying._

It hadn't really hit him, until then, just what sort of future he was setting himself up for. He would end up living by himself, he knew that, and he thought he could live with that. But going through the rest of his entire life wanting Koda - going hunting and fishing with him, possibly watching him raise his own family - would surely be like being trapped behind a thick sheet of perspex; he could look all he wanted, but his hands would forever be sliding down the glass.. 

_"Whether you like it or not, Hekka, you are old enough to be married with your own house and children, by now. It is the height of bloody nonsense that I can't..."_

His mother's voice faded into the background as he furiously wiped at his face, until the sounds of water hissing into steam pulled him from his thoughts.

"Shit!"

"...And this kitchen is a mess! Bato, get away from the hob, before your father sees you."

Bato's mother dumped a shopping bag on the counter next to him seconds after he'd moved the soup onto a cold ring on the hob. The inch of grey roots she'd had that morning were gone, but the bags under her eyes her even darker than normal. She frowned at the soup pot and elbowed him out the way to inspect it with a sharp sigh. Bato stood back and wrung his hands, thankful that his eyes had seemed to finally stopped streaming. He looked over at Hekka, who hugged herself and stared at the floor.

"I'm sorry, Mum" she mumbled. Their mother stopped stirring and turned to look between them, for a moment. Then she sighed again, weakly this time, her thin shoulders slumping.

"I know it's hard on you both, being left to deal with those two. I do appreciate it, really."

Hekka cracked a tiny smile at her, then started unpacking the shopping. Conscious of the sticky tear tracks on his face, Bato tried to avoid his mother's eyes as she turned to face him.

"You've been crying, haven't you?"

She was almost a head shorter than him now, but it took no more than a hand on his cheek to hold him in place. He shook his head, even as he sniffed and licked the salt from his lips. Knowing there was no use in avoiding it any longer, he finally looked down at her. For once, her large brown eyes were soft, warm, and the tears started to flow from his own, again. She took a deep breath as though to say something, wiping her thumb across his cheek.

The front door slammed.

"Go get some air, dear, before your father notices."

With that, she let go of his face and turned back to the stove, as though she hadn't seen him. Bato glanced through the open kitchen door as he heard his father start scolding the girls for something. He looked at Hekka for a moment, who grimaced apologetically and tilted her head to the back door. With a sigh, Bato collected his coat from it's peg on the way past and quietly let himself out. 

He walked and walked for almost two miles, until he came to the small lake where his grandfather's old canoe was tied up. Finally alone, he got in, lay down, and cried. He cried until he felt like a skinned and gutted seal, until his mind was so numb he wasn't sure who he was anymore. For a second, he wished it was the depths of winter, and he could just lie there and let the bitter cold take his pain away. 

But then he thought of Koda. He thought of never seeing him again, never being able to think of him again. If that was what dying meant, Bato didn't want to die.

He arrived back home hours after he'd left, and his father never noticed he'd been crying.


	4. Hakoda: With that thought, sleep came easy

_“Kanna, I don’t know what it is that you_ want _from me!”_

 _“I don’t_ want _anything! I just don’t understand. Does what we were talking about the other day not mean anything anymore?”_

_“Oh, for Spirit's sake, I was just sounding off!”_

Hakoda jolted at the loud bang he had come to recognise as his mother slamming one of her wardrobe doors shut. It was at times like this when he felt a little jealous of Bato and his three sisters. He remembered Bato telling him that they used to all cram into the same bed when they heard their parents arguing at night. Koda was happy as an only child for the most part, but it was at times like this when he wished he had a sibling to keep him company.

As his father took a few moments to consider his next words, Koda crept along the floor of the spare bedroom until he was pressed up against the shared wall with his parents' room. The air and everything he touched was chilly, but at least in here he could hear what was going on. He had refined his eavesdropping strategies long ago, and hadn't been caught in years. Tonight, he assumed they were continuing the argument from last weekend about his father taking early retirement, or more specifically his father's refusal to even consider the option even though they were about to pay the mortgage off. Well, something like that, anyway.

 _“Look,”_ his father said, _“I know you’re worried about him, and I know he’s unhappy, but what’s the alternative? For argument’s sake, let’s say we do pull him from school. What then? It would be a criminal waste of his potential. I_ know _that place is not ideal for him and that he isn’t really thriving as much as he could be, but it’ll get him through his exams, and that will let him into the one of the universities, and then he’ll have the choice to either work in the Earth Kingdom or the Fire Nation, or come back here and have the fuel companies fighting over him.”_

Koda felt his stomach clench, and he began to shiver. As he waited for his mother's reply, he wrapped himself in the blanket he'd brought from his own room and pressed his ear against the wall.

_“I don’t know if he’ll last that long, Arnoq.”_

_“No, come on, he wouldn’t do that, Kanna. Love, please don’t think like that…”_

_"Well, I don't want it to get to that point before we do something about it.”_

_“I'll... Well, I'll make more of an effort to spend time with him, then. I'm the first to admit he could do with more fresh air.”_

_“I want to believe you, but last I was aware you're planning on working fifty hours a week until you die!"_

_“Now, I never said that. But I will make more of a point of taking him hunting and fishing, I promise. I love him, you know that. You and Hakoda are my entire world. I'd do anything for him. ”_

Koda held his breath, until he heard his mother give a heavy sigh.

_“It isn’t fair.”_

_“I know, love.”_

_“We’re all miserable, aren’t we? We’re not supposed to be living like this._ He s _houldn’t be living like this. He should have his own team of dogs by now. He should be out on the water every day, and he should be able to be with his friends as much as he wants, not shut indoors studying all the time. And you. You told me yourself you feel like you've given your whole life away. And before you start, yes, I do understand that you want us to build up a cushion before you retire. That's not the issue, here. But is that the life we really want for_ him _?”_

If his father had a reply to that, it was too low for Koda to hear. And now the sound of his mother softly crying was coming through, he'd heard enough, anyway. Slowly, mindful of the floorboards that he knew would creak, Koda crawled out of the guest room and went back to his own bed. Only when was found himself squinting in the weak light from his bedside lamp did he realise the space behind his eyes throbbed, and an almost sharp pain had started in his stomach. He’d promised himself earlier that day that he would tell his mother about it the next time it got bad, but there was no amount anyone could pay him to make him go in there, now. Maybe in the morning, if it hadn't wore off.

Koda reached into his bedside drawer for yet more painkillers he'd snaffled from the medicine cabinet in the kitchen, took them, got into bed and finally switched his light out. He wanted to stay up a little longer reading, but he had to be up for school the next morning, and it was already almost midnight. He'd noticed it seemed to be his parents' favourite time to argue; about him, about the house, about each other; all three seemed to be an issue at the moment.

He sighed, and shifted, trying to get comfortable. He _had_ to stop thinking about it, or it would only get worse.

This weekend had been particularly crap, even by his standards. He’d spent almost the entirety of the last two days studying and doing homework, and yet it felt like he’d barely broken the back of what he had to do before the Fall break. His parents had spent the weekend snapping at each other as they hunted for all the bits of paper they needed for when they went to see their solicitor. They hadn't threatened to divorce each other in a while, but he could sense there was something about paying the mortgage off that was causing a serious rift between them. In his experience, their big, proper, bust-ups were like the spring melt; they were yearly events, but he'd never gotten over the sheer ferocity of them, and he knew better than to stand in their way. They had weathered all the storms that had come before, but surely there was always a point in which a cracking iceberg would inevitably split in two.

Koda flicked the light back on picked up _Love Amongst the Dragons_ from where he'd left it on the floor next to his bed. He only had a chapter to go, anyway. When he finished it, his eyes felt heavy, and he thought he might be ready to trying going to sleep again. 

He would never admit it to anyone, but his favourite part of the story was Noren and the Empress' relationship. It was almost reassuring, how they seemed to be able to overcome every obstacle that was placed in their way, even the power of the Water Spirit. And although Koda's parents went through periods where they seemed to hate each other, he knew deep down they loved each other very much and had shaped their lives around each other. Would anyone ever love him, like that? What would that even be like? He’d fallen asleep in Bato’s arms, a few times, on particularly cold nights when he stayed over, or when they went camping. Not for a few years, now, but Koda remembered how nice it was, feeling a warm body at his back, listening to the sounds of his friend breathing, instead of wondering about every little noise he heard outside. That would be good, right now, to have someone wrap their arms around him; a safe place he could always come back to, a shelter that let him replenish his strength to face the world.

With that thought, sleep came easy.


	5. Bato: The next thing he knew, he was falling

By the time Friday rolled round again, Bato had officially given up putting any actual effort into school. Content to coast for the next week until the Fall break started, he sat with his sketchbook hidden on his lap, letting his hand decide for him what to draw.

 _“You need an outlet of some sort for your feelings, Bato,"_ Hekka had said to him when they were continuing their heart to heart in the small hours of Sunday morning. She had just gotten back from a party and had had just enough to drink to be in a philosophical mood but still make some sort of sense. _“Why don’t you draw more often? You’re really talented, and I’m sure it would at least help.”_

Bato had been sceptical; he did enjoy sketching from time to time, but his inspiration had been virtually dead since the end of the summer holidays. But on Sunday night, when he found himself lying in bed worrying about how he was going to contain his feelings around Koda when he saw him the next morning, he decided to try it. And to his surprise, it was such a relief, to see his feelings on paper, in a form he could understand. The rest of the week he spent every spare waking moment sketching, and although he was still wrestling with his feelings for Hakoda, they didn’t feel so heavy anymore, now they weren’t just locked inside him. It didn’t matter that no one else would ever see them; they were real, existing outside of himself, his silly feelings taking up just a small space in a reality that would seek to crush them.

“That’s pretty.”

He looked up to find Malina squatting next to him, apparently bored of the conversation she had been having with some of the girls in the class.

“Oh, it’s nothing. I’m just messing about.”

His cheeks burning, he closed the sketchbook and slipped it into his schoolbag.

“No, Bato, seriously, it is! I wish _I_ could draw like that.”

Malina hooked her foot around the empty chair next to him and dragged it over so she could sit leaning her elbows on his desk. Now he had put his distraction away, he couldn’t help but glance longingly at the classroom door.

“Where the hell _is_ he?”

He’d meant to say it just to himself, but Malina – who was sitting in what should be Hakoda’s chair – looked around her with a perplexed furrow to her brow.

“Hmm. That’s not like him, to miss school.”

Bato tasted blood in his mouth; he stopped chewing his lip and hugged himself, sighing.

“He looked like absolute crap yesterday, though. I guess it wouldn’t be too surprising if Kanna’s kept him home.”

He tried to sound only mildly concerned, for Malina’s benefit, but the truth was his insides were in knots that had gotten progressively tighter as the week went on and he watched Koda retreat further and further into himself. They’d barely said a word to each other since last Friday night, but Bato’s mind was consumed by him almost every waking moment; some intoxicating mixture of lust, shame and worry that was only relieved when he was drawing. But they were almost always sat within touching distance, and Bato knew it would be only too easy to…

No, he couldn’t even _think_ about that, not right now.

“No, neither would I. Although, Pon mentioned to me yesterday that the guidance team wanted to speak to him this morning before first period, something about entrance exams. I’d guess they’d want to talk to Koda about that, too.”

Just then, the classroom door finally opened, and in walked Pon and, a few feet behind him, Hakoda. Bato tried to keep himself still and his face neutral, but the flood of relief that suddenly took him over made him want to slump off his chair onto the floor.

“How did you get on, boys?”

Miss Novik – their registration and Geography teacher – smiled brightly and began to stand up from behind her desk at the front of the room. Both Pon and Koda were deathly pale and dazed; Pon nodded at Novik, while Koda avoided her gaze entirely.

“Yeah, it was fine,” Bato heard Pon say.

Koda’s face was pinched; he was obviously in pain. Bato swallowed and tried to catch his eyes, but he seemed to be intent on looking at the ground.

“Well, I held on for you two, so you haven’t missed anything. I’ll give you a minute before I start, alright?”

Novik flashed them another grin and took her glasses off. She was only ten years or so older than they were; slender, with long dark hair she wore loose apart from two fine braids looped down and around to the back of her head in a very similar way to how Kanna styled hers. Both boys gave her a glance as she slid her high heels back on - Pon's significantly longer than Hakoda's - but a second later the vacant expressions on their faces were back as they trudged to their seats.

Bato tried not to stare at Koda as he half collapsed at his desk, only now noticing Malina had replaced his chair and gone back to her own seat. Koda gave a heavy sigh and slowly brought his stuff out of his bag.

“Hey.”

Koda stilled for a second, and turned his head fractionally.

“What?”

“What’s wrong?”

Koda’s hair fell in front of his face as he began to slowly flip to the right page in his textbook.

“I’ll tell you later.”

Bato clasped his hands together and squeezed them until the bones in his fingers crunched, in the hopes it would stop him from reaching out to tuck Koda's hair behind his ears so he could look into his eyes and say _"You don't know how much it kills me to see you like this. Won't you_ please _tell me now?_ "

"Koda, " he stammered, scrabbling for something supportive but not incriminating to say. "I-"

Novik cleared her throat.

“Ok. So, I’ve finally finished marking your tests from last week. I’m still waiting on them being corssmarked before I can give you your scores, but overall I was pretty impressed. However, there were a few areas that were consistently weak that I’m going to spend some time going over…”

If there was a subject that Bato could afford to sit worrying about Hakoda through, it was Geography; he wasn’t sure why, but the diagrams everyone else seemed to wrestle with all instantly made sense to him. And even if that wasn’t the case, how was Bato meant to concentrate, when next to him Koda gripped his pen so hard the skin over his knuckles looked like it would rip? At one point, he even found a piece of loose skin by his thumbnail, and Bato watched as he slowly pulled and pulled until a tiny bead of blood welled up and rolled off his finger onto his notebook a the same time a single tear fell from Bato's eye. 

Break couldn’t come soon enough.

“So, I’ve began to consider moving to the South Pole to live out the rest of my life as a seal,” Pon said, answering Bato and Malina’s expectant looks. They sat at their usual spot on the grass by the wall outside the main entrance, soaking up what may be the last embers of warmth they would feel from the sun until next spring. 

“That bad?” Malina asked.

“Pretty much. They basically sat us both down and told us that unless we get straight A’s all of this year and next year, they won’t recommend us for Ba Sing Se. Omashu isn’t as hard to get into, so I think they said they would just be looking for an overall A average, but to be honest that was kind of treated as an afterthought. They want us into Ba Sing Se, and they don’t want to leave anything to chance.”

“That’s ridiculous!” Malina scoffed. “That’s setting you up to fail!”

“I know! Still, you know what this place is like. They say one thing and then do another. Or at least that’s what I’m hoping for, anyway, eh, Koda?”

Koda sat in the shadow of the wall, his knee almost touching Bato’s. He shrugged, his gaze on his lap, hugging his school bag to his chest. It was as though their bodies were magnets, and Bato couldn’t resist the pull to sit as close as he could to him, saving all his willpower to stop his hands from reaching out for him. Vaguely, he registered Malina offer another comment to Pon, and they both burst into giggles. Koda was oblivious, the shorter strands of his hair caught in the breeze the only thing that gave away he wasn’t a statue. Bato leaned a few inches closer and grazed his elbow with his fingertip, like he was an ice sculpture that would shatter with just the slightest tap in the wrong place.

“You know I’m here for you, don’t you?”

Koda didn’t respond; the bell went, and he didn’t even flinch. Malina and Pon groaned and got to their feet. Bato glanced at them out of the corner of his eye to see them hovering a few feet away. He smiled at them in a way he hoped was reassuring. After a second or two of consideration, Pon tugged on Malina’s arm and jerked his head in the direction of the school building. As soon as they had moved out of earshot, Koda gave a heavy sigh and lifted his head.

“I know”, he said, and _finally_ looked at him, and even gave him a small smile. Bato’s heart began to race in his chest, and the warm feeling that spread all over him made him smile back, before they both got up and walked to their next class together.

The rest of the day passed in a blur. History was terrible, as always, but they walked outside afterwards to find the sun still defiantly shining in the sky despite the faint autumnal chill in the air. Malina wasn't needed at her uncle's shop, and Koda and Pon had had a particularly crap start to the day, so they all decided to go and hang out at the lake Bato's boat was kept, while it was still mild enough to do so without thick boots and parkas.

Once they had all crammed into the canoe, Bato and Koda took to the oars and brought them around the lake a few times. It had been a few weeks or so since Bato had actually had it out on the water, yet almost instantly, everything that had been on his mind lately simply evaporated like it never existed. Pon and Malina took turns splashing water and squealing at each other, and as for Koda...

The sun was just grazing the tops of the pine trees on the horizon, giving everything it touched a dusty pink hue. Koda gazed out at it, his chest heaving, as he gathered his hair up into a haphazard ponytail. Odd strands drenched with sweat stuck to his neck, and he had a faint flush about him that could have been from the sun or from the exertion. His mouth was turned up in an exhausted grin, and his brown eyes were wide and bright. Bato watched him from behind the cover of Pon's rotund form as he took his jacket off, then began rolling up the sleeves of his white shirt. Koda was shorter but more broadly built than Bato, and already his forearms were beginning to resemble the thick ropes of muscle his father had.

" _Bat-o-o? Hello? Anybody home?"_

With a jolt, Bato blinked and looked at Malina. She was shivering; Koda must have taken his jacket of to give to her. She had pulled her hands up inside the sleeves and hugged herself tightly, but she had a bemused smile on her face.

"Yeah, sorry. You alright?"

"Is it OK if we go back, now? I'm about to lose feeling in my hands, here."

Bato didn't miss how she turned to glance at Hakoda. He followed her gaze, only to be suddenly caught in his soft eyes for a moment. Bato's gut clenched, and he almost dropped the oar. He looked down at his feet for a moment until the world stopped spinning. He dared himself to take another look at Koda, who was now concentrating on getting his own oar back into the water. But was that a shy smile? And was he... _blushing_?

"Yeah," he said to Malina, cringing at how high his voice sounded. "Sure, let's go back."

When Koda and Bato rowed together, the boat moved through the water seamlessly, like they were controlling it as one person instead of two. Although Bato dared not give into the temptation to turn and look at him again, he could feel every little shift in Koda's movements, and corresponded with his own. Malina and Pon chatted together to fill the silence, but he and Koda were talking, too, only in a way that didn't require words. Once they finally reached the jetty, Bato jumped out and turned round just in time for the rope Koda threw to land in his hands.

Bato hadn't even been trying to catch his eyes, this time. It must have been only for a second before Koda looked away and smiled at his feet, almost like he was shy.

"FUCK OFF! MALINA, DON'T YOU -"

Bato only just managed to jump out of the splash zone in time for Pon belly flopping into the lake. He resurfaced a second later, coughing, spluttering and shaking his floppy hair out of his eyes. Malina cackled manically, almost falling off her bench. Bato looked over at Koda, but instead of the shy smile he'd worn only a few seconds a ago, he had a mischievous grin.

"Koda..."

It had been a while since Bato had seen it, but he knew exactly what it meant. He watched rooted to the spot as Koda leaped out of the boat and began to stride towards him

"What?"

Bato shook his head, but grinned, his heart racing faster and faster the closer Koda got. He knew what was coming.

"Koda, no. Come on, you're better than that."

He waited until Koda was close enough to place his hands on his shoulders. He was close enough his warm breath ghosted against Bato's skin. If only he could just lean forward and...

Koda smirked, and came closer.

But just when Bato thought he was going to lose consciousness, Koda tilted his head and went to whisper something in his ear.

" _You don't think I'd do that to you, do you?"_

Spirits, his _voice._ It was too much. He couldn't take it. He would _die_ if-

The next thing he knew, he was falling, and then the shock of the icy cold water engulfed him.

Koda laughed at him, and even though he was soaking wet, Bato laughed back. Yet, the cold didn't even bother him; all he could feel was the pressure of Koda's hands on his shoulders, and how his lips were so close to his ear he could feel their atomic charge.

He would let him push him in as many times as he wanted, if that was how it felt.


	6. Hakoda: it meant absolutely nothing at all

"Well, I'm being perfectly honest when I say I don't think that's outside your capabilities, Hakoda. You work hard, and you're exceptionally bright."

While his father was distracted with helping himself to the last of the berry cobbler, Koda took a long, slow breath in and out; he unclenched his fists, loosened his jaw, tried to relax his shoulders. 

_"That'll be the stress, love. I can just about see the tension in you."_

Hakoda had managed to keep finding excuses for not telling his mother about his worsening pain until Wednesday night. He'd had History first thing, and had been screamed at by Narloq for not knowing an answer to something the stupid old viper-bat hadn't realised he hadn't taught them, yet. Koda's head had pounded and he hadn't been able to eat more than a few mouthfuls at lunchtime, but he thought he was being uncharacteristically calm about the whole incident until he'd gone home and his mother had asked him about his day. Faced with trying to answer _that_ question in a way that wouldn't arouse suspicion, his mind had gone completely blank, and he'd run to the bathroom and started dry heaving. He'd had no choice, then, but to tell her. But instead of freaking out like he'd imagined, she'd gone into nurse mode, and sat and listened to him. She'd then explained to him how stress can sometimes manifest as physical symptoms in the body, and that he could counteract that by consciously trying to relax his muscles. And it had made a bit of a difference, he thought, when he remembered to do it. Although, he didn't think anything could have helped him this morning, when he'd been kidnapped by one of the guidance counsellors as he came in the school gate and ushered into a tiny, windowless, strip-lit room with a few tables pushed together. One the side nearest the door sat Pon, with a single empty chair next to him. All four of the guidance counsellors sat across from them, and one gestured him to have a seat.

He honestly didn't really remember much of what happened next. The feeling of four sets of eyes on him, and the rustle of all of his test papers from the past term being thrust across the table at him had made him dizzy. It was all he could do to just concentrate on breathing, on making sure his brain was being provided with enough oxygen that he wouldn't pass out. His heart had hammered in his chest so hard that at one point it was drowning out the voices imparting very important information that he absolutely should have been listening to. He kept his head down, pretending to look at the papers, but his eyes were darting around his head. It was like he was out walking across a frozen lake during a blizzard and had just heard an ominous cracking. It might be a starving bear about to pounce on him, or it might be that the ice beneath his feet was about to give way. He was tensed, ready to jump, ready to fight, ready to run, ready to kill if he absolutely had to. 

_"We all believe you are both capable of getting into Ba Sing Se, and we're willing to provide our full support for you to do that, but from the start of next term we expect straight A's, boys. No exceptions."_

As he had wordlessly followed Pon - who for once was in no mood to be making wisecracks - to their first class, Hakoda had felt like he was at the foot of an impossibly high, glacier capped mountain; one wrong slip, and he was finished.

But there was no point, really, in explaining any of that to his father. How he wished Bato were here, right now; he always seemed to know when Koda was feeling overwhelmed. He often didn't even say much beyond asking if he was alright, but he always had that soft look on his face and calm presence that gave Koda the strength to get to the end of the last period. At break that day, he'd just sat with him, putting him under no pressure to talk about what was on his mind, but there for him the second Koda decided he wanted to. And then, that afternoon, out on the lake...

No. He wasn't thinking about that. There was nothing to think _about._

"That's a lot of pressure on you, though, love."

Koda felt his mother's warm fingertips touch the back of his hand. They'd all stopped eating some minutes ago, but none of them were making any move towards gathering up the dishes. Aware of both their intense gazes on him, Koda shifted in his seat.

"It's fine, I guess," he mumbled, staring at his pudding bowl which he had scraped almost clean.

"You know you can talk to us, don't you? If it's getting too much?"

He shrugged. His mother gave a sigh and gently tilted his chin so he was looking at her. She peered at him with the same expression he imagined she used when she was examining patients, looking for the most subtle signs of pain on his face not even he knew were there. Sure enough, now he focussed on it, his stomach had began churning again. 

"Nothing's too much for our boy."

Koda slid his eyes to his father, who took a long sip of the expensive wine they'd bought to celebrate them paying their mortgage off. Beside him, his mother took a sharp intake of breath. His father looked up at her over the top of his wine glass as they had some silent argument. Before either of them could say anything, though, his mother began clearing the dishes away. Koda went to stand to help her, but his father motioned for him to sit back down.

"Look, son," he said. He sighed and sat back in his chair, scratching at his beard. In the soft wall lighting, Koda noticed just how little dark brown was left in his hair. "I know I've... we've got high expectations, but you've got to understand you have opportunities that I never had. I suppose I just want you to make the best of them. If you do get into Ba Sing Se, I can guarantee that your life will be better for it. So all the effort you're putting in now will pay off. I promise."

"Sure," was all he could think to reply.

"Come on, it's Friday night, put it out of your mind."

His mother came up behind him and placed her hands over his tight shoulders, reminding him to relax them. He watched as his father drained the last of his wine glass and went through to the kitchen, shutting the door behind him with a fraction more force than was necessary. He felt his mother jerk, but then her hands were pulling his hair out of it's wolftail, her fingernails scratching at his scalp.

"Anyway, there's one other thing we want to ask. Your father and I are thinking of going away together for a week while you're off school. I think you're old enough now to left on your own for a few days, so if you would be willing to look after the dogs while we're away, we'd be fine if you wanted to invite a friend round to keep you company. How does that sound?"

Probably to see if there was anything of their marriage left worth salvaging, but Koda had just enough diplomatic skills to know to keep that opinion to himself.

"Oh, yeah, that would be nice," he said as the front pieces of his hair fell in front of his eyes, obscuring his view of the closed door. "I'll maybe ask Bato?"

"Of course, darling. Bato would be perfect."

She patted his arm and went to clear away the rest of the dishes as Koda felt a smile creeping onto his face. He'd been left alone overnight before, but never with a friend, and never for longer than a day or two. Spending a whole _week_ with Bato, doing whatever they wanted (within reason, but Bato would probably be the one keeping him in line, anyway) was an amount of freedom that almost didn't seem real.

Hakoda's stomach clenched, but in a different way to how it did when he was stressing about school. It wasn't by any means an unfamiliar sensation to him, by now, but he knew it should have nothing to do with Bato. Even as he tried to suppress them, flashes from earlier out on the lake sped through his mind. The way their eyes had met a few times, and made Koda's face grow warm. How when he went to push him in the lake, just when he had come within touching distance and had to tilt his head to look up at him, Koda had had a sudden thought about what it would be like if he...

He couldn't believe he was even _thinking_ this.

If he... 

_Kissed_ him.

Bato. His friend.

His _male_ best friend.

Finally out of the view of both his parents, Koda planted his head in his hands and groaned to himself. He'd noticed, over the past few weeks, he was beginning to think of men in the same way he thought of women, even though he'd done his best to explain away every time it happened; when he was watching TV, when he was flicking idly through one of his mother's magazines, when he was looking at the pictures in _Love Amongst the Dragons,_ and especially when he found himself quite flustered at seeing one of the young guys out fishing shirtless under the summer sun. But lately, whenever Bato spoke to him, he felt soft and warm, calm, happy in a way he didn't feel with Malina and Pon. And today, whilst he was feeling like himself again out on the water, he'd enjoyed watching Bato row; the graceful way he used the range of his long limbs, the way his almost elegant hands handled the oar with ease. It was only afterwards, once the high had worn off, that Koda realised that something had changed between them; there was a kind of charge that hadn't been there before. He knew they were exceptionally close, but why were they so... _soft_ with each other all of a sudden? They still joked around each other like they'd always done (as Koda had proven to himself that afternoon by pushing him into the lake), but there was a quality to it now that Koda would have almost certainly described as flirting, if either of them had been girls. And then there was how every time their eyes met, Koda felt a jolt blast through him that was so strong he had to look away, and made his body react in ways he didn't permit, like how a smile tugged at his lips...

Koda planted his face on the table and clawed his hands in his hair. What would Bato think, if he knew Koda was having these thoughts about him? He would need to be so careful, from now on. It probably wasn't the best idea to have him over for a week, but that would be suspicious in itself if he passed up _that_ opportunity.

And as for his parents...

There was only one instance Koda could recall in his life where he had been afraid of his father. It was during the last year of primary school, on a day where some of the girls had brought in various bottles of nail polish, and _all_ the boys got their nails painted. Pon and Bato had gotten one hand hot pink and the other bright orange, and Koda had asked for his to be painted sparkly lilac. They'd spent the day laughing at each other over it, and he'd gone home thinking his mother would fondly roll her eyes and help him take it off and that would be the end of it. Only, his father had come home early that day.

_"Hakoda, what is THIS?"_

He'd grabbed his writs so hard he'd thought they were going to snap. Hakoda had always admired his father's strength, and skill as a hunter, amongst other things, but he never imagined he'd ever be on the receiving end of it. He couldn't remember exactly what else that happened, only he looked up at his father's furious expression, and had genuinely thought for a second he was going to hurt him. Afterwards, whilst he sat snivelling on his mother's knee as she scrubbed the polish off with a foul smelling solvent, urging him to keep quiet, he'd decided he would never do anything that would displease his father like _that_ ever again. It was one of the reasons he tried so hard at school, and the reason why when he thought of admitting even to himself he might be attracted to men, all he could imagine was his father grabbing his wrists and screaming in his face about how disgusted he was with him. 

Hakoda's father could be considered progressive in some ways. He had no problem with him cooking and helping out around the house (not that he was very good at it), and he didn't stop his mother from working. In fact, he was above all a practical man, and would be the last person to let a silly thing such as tradition get in the way of a solution to a problem. But that day, a line had been drawn, a line that Koda dared not cross.

Spirits, his _head_ hurt.

He wasn't going to think about it, anymore. Koda liked girls, and that was that.

And if he fell asleep to the thought of Bato's caring brown eyes and soft mouth above him, it meant absolutely nothing at all.


	7. Bato: Before the darkness consumed him and he jerked awake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who has read/left kudos/commented so far! Your feedback means a lot to me.

The frost crystals on the pavement reflected the orange glow of the street lights, illuminating Bato's way through the murky pre-dawn. The nights were getting longer now, and over the next few weeks the darkness would stretch further and further into the day until eventually, for a few days around midwinter, the sun would not rise at all. 

Everything was still and silent around Bato, except for the sound of the wheels of the suitcase he'd borrowed from Hakoda bouncing off the pavement as it trundled along behind him. He'd only managed to get around an hour and a half of sleep, and hadn't entirely decided if he was actually awake, yet. In fact, he'd spent the whole of the first week off school in a similar condition as he counted down the days until the morning Koda's parents would leave for Kyoshi Island and he would get to spend the entire week with him. It had been a couple of weeks since Koda and invited him, but it still hadn't quite sunk in that it wasn't part of some elaborate daydream.

Despite his bleary eyes and the dreamy half smile on his face, Bato could feel how his heart beat a little faster than it should, and his legs trembled ever so slightly with every step. Since he'd realised he was in love with Hakoda, it seemed that his feelings for him had only grown stronger. Would he manage to keep them to himself? Or would he slip up and ruin their friendship? It was a risk, he knew, but he didn't think there was a force in the universe capable of making him pass up the opportunity to spend so much time with him.

By the time he arrived, it was around nine o'clock. Arnoq, who was busy loading suitcases into his car with the interior light turned on, nodded to Bato as he went past. The front door was open, so he stepped inside into the wall of heat generated by the central heating system that had been fitted a few years ago.

"Oh, Bato, thank goodness. I was hoping I would catch you and talk you through a few things. You know what Koda's like; he won't remember half of it."

Kanna had appeared at the kitchen door, her hair and make-up done in a way that took about ten years off her. He startled for a second, unused to seeing her in Earth Kingdom fashion; a green and brown maxi skirt and bright yellow coat. She grinned and motioned for him to come over. As he followed her into the kitchen, Bato glanced up the stairs, and felt a pang of disappointment tug at his chest when he sensed no movement. 

“So, Koda will keep you right with the dogs,” Kanna said, as she filled a flask with hot water from the kettle. “There’s plenty of food, and I’ll leave money in case you need any more. What else was I going to say? Oh, so as far as the state of house goes, I'm not expecting perfection, but just try not to let him get it into the state where it looks like a nuclear bomb's gone off.”

She then showed him a list of instructions for watering the house plants, and what to do if there was a problem with the electricity or water. As Bato was trying to absorb it all whilst taking polite sips from the cup of tea he was handed, the kitchen door creaked further open.

"Dogs are still in my room."

"Ah, thank you, darling. I hope it wasn't too much of a rude awakening."

Koda was barefoot, wearing loose pyjamas, his chin length hair tousled and his brown eyes screwed up against the harsh kitchen light. Bato watched, water dribbling down his chin, as he reluctantly accepted a tight hug from his mother. Then he looked at Bato, and gave him a sleepy smile. 

"Ugh, sorry, I just woke up," he said, yawning. Bato discretely wiped his chin with his sleeve and grinned back, dropping his eyes to his cup of tea. He'd only needed a few seconds to see how much lighter, younger almost, Koda looked having had a few days rest from school, despite the faint shadow of hair on his top lip and a new cluster of angry, red pimples that had appeared his forehead. Koda's acne could get so bad at times that Kanna had once taken him as far as Ba Sing Se to see a (evidently useless) dermatologist, but that didn't make a difference to Bato.

"That's okay. We still on for taking the dogs out, first thing?"

"Sure."

Koda rubbed his face in his hands and plonked himself in the chair opposite Bato. Bato took another sip of tea and listened to the easy back and forth conversation Koda had with his mother. She was almost too cheerful, her skirt swishing around her ankles as she zipped around the kitchen opening and shutting drawers and cupboards as though looking for something she knew wasn't there. When Arnoq came in to tell her the car was ready, he leaned against the door frame, holding himself with his habitual stiffness. Unlike his wife, his clothes were dark and plain, with odd accents that gave away he was Water Tribe (that and the walrus tusk choker). Bato glanced at Koda, then, and noticed how he looked between them with a microscopic furrow to his brow. 

Bato felt his fingers twitch, to reach out and soothe away the worry from his face.

Not long after, Kanna and Arnoq were ready to leave.

“We’ll be fine, Mum” Koda said, rolling his eyes as she listed off everything they needed to know once again.

“Alright, alright. The neighbours on either side are on standby, if you get stuck with anything. And thanks for doing this and letting us get away, boys. We really appreciate it.”

Bato hung back while Koda said goodbye to his parents. As soon as they had driven off around the corner, he turned and began walking back up the garden path. His loose hair danced in the breeze as he moved, his face hidden in the shadows of the low sun, like he was a spirit. 

“So, uh, thanks for coming.”

Koda had stopped a couple of feet away from the doorway. He had thrown on his father's parka, which hung off him at the shoulders and came down low enough on his legs it almost resembled a very short dress. He scratched at his neck, smiling at his feet, his dimples showing in a way that Bato knew meant he was happy.

“No problem," he replied, only just managing to breathe properly. "I've been really looking forward to this."

"Yeah, me too."

They locked eyed for just a second, before Bato had to look away. The silence between them stretched on for a couple of seconds longer than was comfortable, especially with the cacophony of birds preparing for migration around them.

"Right," Koda said, taking a deep breath. He looked at Bato again, suddenly full of purpose. "Let's get these dogs walked, and then we'll see what we want to do, yeah?"

"Yeah, sure."

_I don't care, so long as it’s with you._

_*_

Effortlessly, they fell into a routine together. They had to wake up earlier than Bato normally would in the holidays so they could give Akhult and Amarok their morning walk (although it was nice to be greeted with excited whines and wagging tails first thing instead of his sisters bickering over whose turn it was in the bathroom), but he liked being up in time to see the soft yellow glow of the sun hauling itself over the horizon with increasingly difficulty with every passing day. Then, once they got back an hour or so later, they’d feed the dogs, then make breakfast for themselves. After that, they’d clean up whatever mess they’d made the previous day and then he would join Koda in doing the exercises he liked to do. Bato wasn’t sure what he liked more about it: the playful competitiveness, being able to watch the shadows of Hakoda’s muscles beneath his skin up close, or feeling his eyes on him; gentle adjustments, the hard slaps, the laughter.

Then, it depended. They might work on some homework together that was due for after the holidays, or they might pick off a job from the list Arnoq had left them. That would take them to lunchtime, and another dog walk, and then they could relax for a while. Afterwards was dinner, and then they would hang out with Malina and Pon, watch TV, play Pai Sho, or read together.

Everyday with Koda was a joy, but the best parts were always late at night when they sat on top of either Koda’s or Bato's guest bed together, just talking. He thought he knew his best friend well, but it seemed that with every night, Bato went to bed knowing something new about him.

On the third night, Koda said, "So, I think I figured out what the deal is with my parents."

"You have?"

Koda sighed and shifted so he sat cross legged facing Bato as he finished putting the Pai Sho pieces away. His hair was totally unbound and falling in front of his eyes as he leaned forward slightly out of the lamplight so that most of his face was cast in shadow, except for flutter of his lashes and curve of his lip.

"So, uh, you know how my mum trained as a nurse in Ba Sing Se?"

"Yeah."

"Well, turns out the reason she ran away there in the first place is because she was actually engaged to someone else. He was in love with her, but she didn't love him, only she's kept the betrothal necklace."

Bato wasn't sure what to say to that. The talk of engagement and marriage left a bad taste in his mouth; when his sisters started talking about it, his first instinct was usually to run out of the room as fast as he could.

"Why do you think she kept it, if she never loved him?"

"Well, even at the time betrothal necklaces were pretty old fashioned, and you know she's quite sentimental about tradition, so I guess she just wanted to keep it, as an example, like. Not because she had any feelings for him. Or she wouldn't have run away. It doesn't really make sense, though, does it? But then I overheard them one night and Dad said something about how he knows he wasn't her first choice, or something. There's something missing from the story. So, anyway, I'm sorry, I'm rambling."

Before Bato could respond, though, Koda was on his feet and shoving the Pai Sho box back in the cupboard.

"You're not rambling. You're right, it sounds like there's more to that story."

"I wonder," Koda began, perching himself on his desk. It was a cold night, and they were wrapped up warm; the air was just that bit chillier with him over there than sat next to Bato. "I wonder if, you know... there was someone else, besides the guy she was engaged to..."

"It's possible, I guess."

He leaned forward as Koda chewed his lip and frantically looked around him, liked he'd just heard a twig snap.

"Nah, forget it, I'm probably talking crap. Serves me right for snooping through her stuff, anyway."

Koda wasn't in the mood to talk after that, so Bato went to bed in the spare room. But instead of sleeping, he lay awake, staring at the wall Koda slept on the other side of. 

He dreamed that night that he fell through the ice on a fishing trip and was sucked under by the current. Koda was above him, screaming, hammering at the ice, but he couldn't cut through in time. For a second, his anguished, beautiful face came into focus, and it was the last thing Bato saw before the darkness consumed him and he jerked awake.

*

On their last night together, Koda asked him:

“I’ve realised that I’m actually pretty boring, aren’t I?”

He said it so low it was barely audible, as though he was admitting a shameful secret. Bato shifted to look at him, struggling for a few moments to find the right words.

“No,” he breathed. “You are _not_ boring. Why do you think that?”

“I don’t know,” Koda replied, as he always did when he was struggling to put something into words. “We’re supposed to be out vandalising things or something, not kicking around the house like old men.”

“Well, if we were going to do that, I don’t think your parents would’ve let you have the place to yourself for a week.”

“I guess that’s true. And I’ve really liked spending all day with you. I suppose it makes up for some of the times I wouldn’t come out because I was studying or whatever.”

Surely it was a trick of the light from Koda’s warm bedside lamp. They lay propped up on their sides, facing each other, their knees a centimetre from touching. Bato wasn’t sure, but it looked like there was a faint blush across Koda’s cheeks If it was, then he'd been blushing an awful lot over the past week. Bato’s heart began thumping; he clenched his fists, folded his legs tighter together, licked his lips.

“Don’t feel bad about that,” he said, trying to keep his voice even. “We all know how hard you work. If…if you want, we could maybe work together more often, once school starts again. I’ve actually found it really useful, having company.”

“Yeah… I mean, yeah, that would be good.”

How many muscles would Bato need to use to lean a little further forward and kiss him? Hardly any, surely. He'd been fighting the urge all week. It would be so easy…

“Bato?”

“Hmm?”

“Do you like me?”

Bato didn’t know what having a heart attack felt like, but surely it wasn’t too dissimilar to how his body reacted in response to those words. He stared at Koda for a moment and tried to concentrate, like a driver ignoring all the warning lights on their car and focussing on the road ahead.

“What do you mean?”

“Like, what _is_ likeable about me? I feel like I’m a terrible friend, and a terrible person, and…”

Koda sniffed and lowered his head.

“Koda…”

Bato reached out and brushed his arm.

“I’m sorry…”

“It’s alright. Why… why do you think that about yourself?”

“Bato, I think something might be _wrong_ with me.”

“What? Tell me?”

Koda shook his head frantically.

“You’ll hate me if I tell you.”

“I won’t, I promise.”

Koda sniffed again, then furiously wiped the tears from his eyes with the back of his hand. Bato stayed silent and kept his hand still on his arm. He would have held it there forever, if that was what Koda needed.

“It’s just that I feel like I’m not, you know, I just feel so far removed from what I s _hould_ be like”.

The answer was extremely vague, as his answers often were to questions about his feelings. He still wasn’t looking at him; if anything, his head had sunk even lower. Slowly, Bato moved his hand to rest lightly on his back.

“Koda,” he said. “Please, listen to me? You are my best friend, and I like you exactly as you are. I could never, _ever_ hate you. I…”

He managed to stop himself in time. Bato bit his lip and shifted his weight forward to be closer to him, trying to be a sponge soaking up his negative feelings.

“If it weren’t for you, there really wouldn’t be an awful lot in my life to enjoy. Seriously, you are not boring just because you actually study and don’t want to go out and commit petty crime. I love even just talking to you. Really, I mean it.”

Koda finally met his eyes. Even when he was feeling like this, his face made Bato’s heart give a little skip. His swollen eyes were vulnerable, as though he was showing him an open wound, trusting him to take care of it, to take care of him. Without thinking, Bato extended his other arm, and Koda shuffled himself up against Bato and hugged him back.

“Thank you,” Koda whispered. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Bato didn’t dare move; he kept his breathing shallow, and was afraid even blinking would disturb the air between them enough that Koda would realise what he was doing – what Bato was feeling – and push him away.

It was as though they were surrounded by a bubble, a space that only they shared. Koda’s breath shook occasionally, and Bato could feel his tears dribble down his neck. Gently, as though one wrong move would make him break, Bato rubbed his hand up and down Koda’s back. He felt every ridge of his spine and developing muscles, the heat of his blood rushing beneath his skin even through the t-shirt he was wearing. Before long, Koda was breathing in time with the strokes of his hand. Bato _knew_ that if he misjudged be could risk ruining their friendship forever, but before he realised what he was doing, his hand headed down low enough on his back that his fingers caught the waistband of his soft pyjama bottoms. For a split second, Bato’s heart stopped, before Koda sighed and shifted a tiny bit closer. He felt the brush of soft, slack lips against his neck, one limp hand almost flat against his chest. Only then was Bato aware of how their feet and knees overlapped, just barely, how Koda’s bulk leaned into his torso. There was one reason and one reason only even in Bato’s wildest dreams, what this meant...

Hakoda had fallen asleep.

Bato waited. He waited until Koda’s breathing had been steady for some time, until he grunted softly and began shifting, and it looked like Bato’s problem would resolve itself.

And then Koda moved his top leg between Bato’s and pushed even further into him, bringing their hips almost flush. Bato realised, then that he’d been waiting for the inevitable. He had the sudden urge to reach down and…

NO! What was he _thinking_?

But Koda was so _close_ , closer than he may ever have him again.

Slowly, very slowly, he moved just his neck, so that his chin kissed the top of Koda’s head. And then he just _imagined_ himself taking a deep inhale and pressing his lips there.

Then, he very slowly dragged his hand up Koda’s back. This time, he tried lightly pressing on his shoulder blades, flattening his palm to feel him move up and down with every breath. And then, carefully, he grazed his hand down his bicep, shivering as his fingers passed over the shapes of his muscles. He continued down to the curve of his elbow, to his forearm. His hair grew a little thicker, there, tickling Bato's palm. As his thumb reached the inside of his wrist, he hesitated. He’d held Koda’s hand before, when they were younger, but he’d never _held_ it, not the way he wanted to. He wanted to take it between both of his, examining it on both sides, then caress each finger in turn. He wanted to squeeze lightly, to show him how much he cared about him. There were a few couples about the school who walked around hand in hand. Bato couldn’t begin to imagine what that felt like, to be able to show such simple yet powerful affection without even a second thought. They could all express their love, whereas his was all knotted up inside him.

He didn’t dare touch his hand. Instead, he gently lowered it onto his hip, where it curled uselessly, but the pressure was _just_ enough that he could imagine it running over him. He suppressed a moan and curled his toes; he could feel himself begin to strain against the fabric of his shorts.

If this was wrong, or shameful, then why did it feel so natural? Why did it feel so _good_?

Koda let out another sigh, the hand on his chest sliding up over his heart, his leg moving up another inch between Bato’s thighs. It occurred to Bato, as he concentrated on keeping his hips still, that if either of them were girls, they would be going at it like rabbits, right now. Koda _must_ have noticed that Bato had feelings for him. He hadn’t expressed interest, but he hadn’t outright rejected him either. Was he ignoring it? For Bato’s sake, or for his own? Could he put to a name for what it was? Did he feel the same way, but like Bato couldn’t fathom the idea of them being together, knowing they would be ostracised? Or was he indulging Bato, trying to save his feelings?

Bato knew he had to get back to his own bed, before he feel asleep here and Koda woke up to them like that and never spoke to him again.

It took several minutes, but eventually he managed to painstakingly move Koda off him and place a blanket over him. Koda gave another low moan and shifted onto his front, making Bato’s heart leap into his throat.

He knelt down, very slowly, and let himself brush a single lock of hair off his face. Koda was so beautiful asleep. He wanted to curl up beside him, to stay awake watching the doorway as his love slept.

"Good night," he whispered, and let the current drag him so he was safely trapped behind the icy walls of his own room.


	8. Hakoda: a breeze so gentle he could only hear a whisper

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A couple of things I want to point out...
> 
> You might recognise the quote Malina reads out from the start of chapter 1. It's actually from Romeo and Juliet, but for the purposes of this story I'm pretending it's a line from Love Amongst the Dragons.
> 
> There is explicit mention of hunting in this chapter. There is nothing graphic, and it's within the context of being a traditional Water Tribe cultural practice. I haven't added any tags for it at present, but if you think that I should, please let me know this in the comments and I will do so.
> 
> Hope you enjoy the chapter!

Hakoda knew he should get up and draw the curtains, but it was barely half past four, and he wasn't quite ready to admit they'd lost the daylight for the day. They were two weeks into the winter term, and already the feeling of the sun kissing his skin was like a distant dream. He rested his head against the sofa cushion, listening to the wind hammering against the glass like an angry spirit. 

"Here we are, kids!"

The smell of hot cocoa as his mother came in holding a tray was enough to pull Hakoda's attention back to his friends sprawled over his parent's living room, none of them having yet mustered the will to do any work. His mother carefully placed the tray on top of the coffee table covered in paper, pens and grotty copies of the school edition of _Love Amongst the Dragons_.

"Oh, thanks Kanna!"

Pon, who had almost fallen asleep with his face in his book, waddled to his feet with all the grace of an otter-penguin.

"No problem, Pon. On a night like this, you need all the motivation you can get."

Pon handed a mug to Malina, and another two to Bato before taking one for himself. While to others were distracted, Hakoda's mother looked over at him, the corners of her mouth tugging down.

 _"How are you doing?"_ her eyes asked. He nodded, and straightened.

_"I'm better."_

Hakoda gave her a small smile, which she considered for a moment, before crouching at the fireplace and beginning to shovel out the previous night's ashes. She didn't look entirely convinced, which she was probably right to be. He'd had History right before lunch, and been given a bombardment of deadlines that would take them up to the Spring term, making him so stressed he'd not been able to eat anything. His stomach had been fine, but he'd had a pounding headache and by the time he'd gotten home he thought he was on the verge of fainting. His mother noticed straight away, and managed to coax him to eat something before his friends came round to work on the Literature group presentation.

_"Koda, I would feel so much better if you would let me go up and speak to them. It's affecting your health."_

Her eyes had begun to water, so he'd agreed he'd think about it.

"Here. I don't like marshmallows, so I put mine into yours."

Bato came into his view, his tall frame cutting off Hakoda's view of his mother. He stepped over Malina's splayed legs and came to sit next to him. With a shy smile, he carefully pressed the mug into Koda's hands.

"Thanks," Koda said. Bato took a sip out of his mug, looking at him out of the corner of his eye.

Koda kept staring straight ahead. His heart thumped against his ribcage, no matter how much he urged it there was no reason to. There was a gap of a foot or so between them, and Koda could feel every inch. Whenever he looked at Bato now, all that he could think of was the feeling of his arms around him on the last night he'd stayed over, completely encasing him, and his soft words, and the way he could feel his pulse beneath his ear. Even the memory made him feel warm, and safe. But that was closely followed by shame, by panic. He was an idiot. He was such an _idiot._ The next morning had been awkward between them, to say the least, at least on Hakoda's part. Bato was too polite for his own good, and Koda had apologised profusely for spilling his guts out and falling asleep like that. But Bato wasn't in the least bit bothered by it.

He didn't deserve a friend like him.

Hakoda sighed, and brought his gaze to Malina. She sat on the floor next to Pon, arguing light-heartedly about the optimum amount of sprinkles that should be added to hot chocolate. She was used to a cold house, so she just wore her white school blouse. He tried not to, but he couldn't help but notice how she'd undone one button too many. She shifted forward, then, and suddenly - thankfully - Koda wasn't thinking about Bato, anymore.

"Right," Pon said, plonking down his already empty mug; Koda hadn't even started his own, yet. "Let's get this stupid presentation finished."

Bato and Malina gave a resigned sigh each. Malina scooted over to the over side of the coffee table, giving Koda a prime but involuntary view of her backside, as Bato's shoulder brushed against him as he got to his feet to join them on the floor.

The wind picked up, making the glass rattle.

"Right, that's the fire on."

His mother smiled over her shoulder as she went to walk out of the living room. "I'll leave you lot to concentrate."

Hakoda used the few seconds it took Pon to reorganise their scattered notes into some sort of semblance of order to take a long sip of hot chocolate. No doubt she would have one ready for his father coming home. Part of the reason he'd had that meltdown to Bato on their last night together was because he'd convinced himself that his parents were going to announce they were getting divorced after they got back from Kyoshi Island. But his mother had called him from a payphone at the airport to tell them they had had a great time. They'd both walked into the house tanned, arm in arm, giggling like teenagers.

"Ok," Malina said. "I really think this quote would be a good one to start off with." 

She cleared her throat.

" _And when he shall die, take him and cut him him out in little stars. And he will make the face of heaven so fine, all the world will be in love with the night, and pay no worship to the garish sun_. So, I could read it out, and then either Pon or Koda could do the explaining bit."

"But that line's gross, though!"

"Yeah, well _you're_ gross, so..."

Pon chuckled and stuck his tongue out at her. But Malina wasn't looking at him; she was looking over at Bato with a wide, curious gaze. 

Koda dared a glance at Bato. Just for a second in time to see him turn his head away, but it was enough. He looked back at Malina, who was looking at Pon now. They shared a silent gaze for a second, then Pon coughed.

Outside, the wind roared.

"Alright, fine. I guess that's as good a place to start as any. Bato, you're doing the cover page, by the way, since you're the only one of the four of us who can draw for shit."

"Oh, uh, sure, that's fine."

Koda took a deep breath and discretely clutched at his stomach. The others began talking about the points they could include, but his mind was miles away.

He wasn't gay. He couldn't be. He'd just proven to himself that he Malina found attractive, didn't he? Then there was Novik, and Kenna was probably the most attractive girl in their year. It seemed like he was attracted to both men and women. Was that even possible? He sighed, and rubbed his eyes. His blood rushed in his ears, mixing in with the wind howling at the window, the energies of the storms inside and outside combining.

"You okay?"

Koda jolted at the sound of Bato's soft, worried voice. 

"Yeah, I'm fine," he mumbled, clumsily pushing himself to his feet. "I'll...I'll be back in a minute."

Without waiting for a response from any of the others, he got up and ran to the upstairs bathroom. He bolted the door and slid to the floor, his breath leaving him with a jolt.

This couldn't be happening to him. _Why_ was this happening to him?

Hakoda had passed all the traditional Water Tribe rituals of manhood with ease that had impressed even the frostiest of the elders. Less than a hundred years ago, he would be considered capable of fending for himself, and his family. He knew that watching him kill his first seal was one of the highlights of his father's entire life; now, the only times now when Koda felt he could really connect with his father was when they were in the act of hunting or fishing. Just that past weekend, he'd brought him along on a hunting trip down south with some of his old friends, down where the sea ice had already formed. It had been a great success, and at the end of a day spent out on the ice, his cheeks burning with cold, his muscles aching, his father had looked at him, _hugged_ him, and told him he was proud of him.

But skill at hunting wasn't enough, anymore, to excel in the Water Tribe.

On the second night, away from the tempering influences of their wives, the men had all gotten insanely drunk, Hakoda's father being no exception.

 _"Ah,_ my _son's going to go to Ba Sing Se, aren't you, Koda?_ "

Hakoda's father - who had chosen him name - never referred to him 'Koda' unless he was drinking with his friends and was showing off. He'd slapped his back hard enough Koda had almost dropped the rusty tasting off-brand fizzy drink he'd found in one of the coolers.

 _"Yeah, there's not gonna be enough of him around._ My _grandchildren will be the envy of all of you_!"

By the time Hakoda had been born, his father was almost forty years old; he was more than aware that his parents had put all their eggs in one basket, so to speak. But Koda couldn't envision himself getting through school, never mind marrying and having children years in the future. With a woman, of course. There was no question about that. Or at least there shouldn't have been, if he were _normal_.

Bato had been looking at him. That had to be the reason he didn't tell him to go to hell that last night they were together. In fact, he'd carefully extracted himself and even placed a blanket over him. 

Oh, no, Koda couldn't do this.

He took a deep breath; he had to pull himself together. He couldn't let himself be distracted, not now. He would just look at Malina instead. He could do that. Perving over your female friends was a perfectly normal thing to do, wasn't it?

He went back downstairs (mindful not to draw the attention of his mother, who was in his father's study on her typewriter, probably writing one of his reports for him) into the living room, to find Pon waving some paper about as Malina clutched her stomach in laughter. Bato scowled, trying to snatch it off him.

"Knock it off, Pon! Give it here!"

"No, no, no, no, I need to see this."

Bato huffed, and finally used the reach of his long arms to reach over the coffee table and grab hold of it.

" _I said, stop it, Ponroq!"_

Koda stood in the doorway, his mouth gaping. If Bato were a dog, a wolf even, he would be baring his teeth. Pon blinked a few times, and then let go of what looked liked Bato's sketchbook.

"Alright, alright, fine. I was just having a laugh, Bato."

He huffed and plonked himself back on the floor. Malina blinked at Koda, and inclined her head at Bato, who was shoving the pad back in his schoolbag.

"Is everything ok?" Koda asked, sitting next to him.

Just leave me alone, Koda!"

Bato zipped his bag up and shoved it out of the way, then sat with his arms folded. Koda tried to catch his eye, but he just wouldn't look at him.

The atmosphere was tense, for a while, but they slowly worked their way through the presentation until about seven.

"Please feel free to stay for dinner," his mother said. "I've made so much seal stew at this rate it's all we'll be eating for the next month."

They'd all declined, even Bato, who still wouldn't look at him. Koda was getting worried, now. But before he left, he touched Koda's arm.

"Can I talk to you?"

He chewed him bottom lip, looking so sad and frightened it made Koda's heart sink to the pit of his stomach.

"Of course," he said, glancing at his mother, who discretely moved his empty bowl off to the side.

Koda led him up to his room, where they sat on the bed.

"So what do you want to tell me?" Koda asked. Bato sat down at the opposite end, hugging his bag to his chest, his hair falling in front of his eyes.

"You know how Pon pissed me off back there?"

"Yeah. I didn't really see what it was he was doing, though?"

"He went into my bag and started going through my sketchbook. He found something... pretty incriminating. He was just making fun of me, but the truth is..."

He sighed, and Koda shifted a little bit closer.

"So, I'm gay. I've known it for a while now, but its been getting harder and harder to hide it. Pon.. Pon found some drawings I'd done, that kind of give the game away. I don't think he necessarily made the connection, but that's why I reacted the way I did. I didn't mean to snap at you like that. But I trust you, and I just wanted you to know, so if I've been acting weird, that's why."

Koda ignored his racing heart and sat in silence watching him for a second. Bato's face was pinched with shame, and his eyes were glassy. It made so much sense; he joked with Pon about girls, but never with Bato. It also explained the weird tension between them; it wasn't Hakoda as such, but guys in general he liked. Hakoda breathed a sigh of relief.

"That's ok. Thanks for telling me."

Bato shifted his head fractionally, and Koda smiled widely at him in reassurance.

"You're not, like... weird out?"

"No, not at all. You're still you, aren't you?"

"Oh, I guess, yeah."

 _Finally,_ Bato turned to look at him. They held eye contact, and Koda jolted when he realised their fingertips were millimetres away from touching.

They both drew their hands back. 

"Ok, that was it. Um, I should probably go, now. My Mum's probably wondering where I've got to."

Bato stood up, but didn't seem to want to leave, yet."

"I'll see you at school, then?"

"Uh, yeah, yeah. Bye."

"Bye."

It was only after he heard the front door close behind Bato that Hakoda realised how his shirt was stuck to his back with sweat; he collapsed back onto his bed and pressed hand over his racing heart.

*

"Koda, what's wrong? You've hardly touched your dinner."

Hakoda looked up at his mother, only to catch his father's gaze.

"Nothing, I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, _sir_."

"There's no need for the attitude, Hakoda. Answer your mother's question."

Koda glowered at his father, and his father glowered back. Outside, the storm howled.

Koda slammed his fork down.

"It's nothing I would tell _you,_ anyway."

Neither of them called after him as he stormed up to his bedroom and slammed the door shut.

It took a couple of seconds for him to register that he was alone, but when the tears came, there was nothing he could do to stop them. He collapsed onto his bed and sobbed, and sobbed, until he wasn't sure why he was crying, anymore.

After a while, there was a soft knock on the door.

" _WHAT?"_

He regretted it before he'd finished saying it, but his mother wasn't perturbed.

"Not one of your better days, eh?"

He curled himself up into a fetal position and sniffed as he felt the mattress dip beneath her weight. He closed his eyes as she rubbed his arm.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked, softly. All he could do was shake his head as yet more tears leaked from his eyes. But she simply pushed on his shoulder so he was lying on his back. Her long hair fell over her shoulder, so he couldn't see where his father was almost certainly hanging around outside his open bedroom door. Hakoda sighed, his breath shaking, and wiped at his eyes with his sleeve. 

"Can you shut the door, first?"

She nodded, and did so.

"Come here," she said, lying down next to him and pulling him into her arms. His first instinct was to protest that he was fifteen, not five, but he had to admit to himself it was probably exactly y what he needed. She kissed the top of his head and rubbed his back, not unlike Bato had done.

Oh, Bato...

"Did something happen when you were all in the living room?"

He nodded into her chest.

"Pon took something out of Bato's bag and starting taunting him about it, and I don't think he meant to upset him, but he was really short with everyone after that. And then he wanted to talk to me afterwards to explain why, and..."

Koda sighed.

"And what? What did he tell you?"

"He told me he's gay."

He tensed as he felt his mother's heartbeat pick up, and the hand stroking over his back faltered for just a second.

"Oh," she said, her voice cheerful. "Well, that's good, that he felt he could tell you."

She was quiet for a moment, although he could sense that she was thinking hard. But he could trust her; she hadn't freaked out. Maybe it would be...

Maybe...

"So, what're you feeling, right now?"

He listened for any hidden accusation in her tone, and found none.

"I..."

She pulled back from him a little so she could look at him properly.

"You can tell me, Hakoda," she whispered. "I'll still love you, no matter what."

Another hot tear dribbled from his eye and dripped off the end of his nose. He closed his eyes, his heart beating so fast he felt like he was quaking.

"I...it's just hard, because... because I've been worried that I might be too, except I'm not, because I definitely like girls. I don't know. I don't understand. I just wish I could be normal."

Her only response to pull him tightly back against her, so tightly he could barely breathe, tight enough that she could hold him together as he felt himself breaking apart.

"I'm right here, darling. It's alright."

She cradled him in her arms until the tears finally began drying up and he could breathe normally again. She looked at him again, and smiled.

"My sweet boy..."

She stroked his cheek, and looked like she was fighting back tears herself. Koda let out a long breath and let his eyes drift shut.

"I've been... I've just been so confused, and so ashamed and scared. Dad would hate me so much if he found out..."

He didn't dare look at her, in case he found confirmation.

"I understand, darling. I do."

Something in her tone made him blink his eyes back open. He watched as she swallowed, biting her bottom lip, as she smoothed hair back off his face.

"What do you mean?"

"I... I feel the same way you do. I married your Dad, but I was in love with a woman, once."

Koda didn't know what to say. His mother looked away from him for a second, and he saw the pain in her face.

"Will you tell me about her?"

Outside his bedroom window, the storm had died down to a gentle breeze so gentle he could only hear a whisper.

She took a deep breath, and began...


	9. Dear Kanna

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit of change from the usual. Normal service will be resumed, but please let me know what you think. And if you hate it, don't worry - more gay/bi panic coming soon!

_Dear Kanna,_

_I expect that you never thought you'd hear from me again. I did try writing, at first, but you never replied to any of my letters, which I assume is because your parents never let you read them. Or, at least that's what I hope is the case. Maybe they never got sent in the first place. But there's a new guard, who has family connections in the Water Tribe who assured me he could find out your address. It has been almost twenty years, and I thought I should mark the occasion._

_I've spent the last two weeks thinking about what I want to tell you. I miss you. I miss you more than you can imagine. I do not regret what I did, but I do regret hurting you. I love you, Kanna. I wanted to marry you. In another life, perhaps we could have eloped, maybe become Air acolytes, and we'd have been very happy together. I try not to imagine that, though. There's a fine line between pleasure and pain._

_I guess what I really want is to see you. I am allowed visitors, believe it or not. I understand if you do not wish to see me. I expect you'll be long married, with your own children. I'm happy for you, if that's the case. But nothing would make me happier, than to see you one last time._

_I've put the details of what you'd have to do on a separate page, and the address to write back to._

_Take your time. I've got plenty._

_All my love,_

_Hama_

*

_Kanna,_

_I think it's been two months or so since I sent the first letter. Time doesn't really mean all that much to me. But the guard told me his family knew where your husband works, and they figured out from there where to send the letter to. I think if you were going to write back you'd have done so by now, but the guard told me a little about you, and I suppose I have more to say._

_I've tried to imagine what your son looks like. It's hard, without knowing your husband, but I suppose it doesn't matter, because he got at least 50% good looks. And he's incredibly lucky, having such an amazing woman as his mother. I didn't catch his name, though. I would love to find out._

_~~Are you happy, with your husband? It's hard to imagine you being with a man.~~ _

_I know it's probably not appropriate for me to be writing to you like this, but even if you could just tell me you've received this, and that you know I'm thinking of you, I would be so happy._

_Well, that's all I can think of, for now. It's been so long since I've written anything longer than a few lines. I remember you were such an amazing writer. I would love to receive a letter for you. Your words are almost as beautiful as you are._

_I love you_

_Hama_

_*_

_My love,_

_I promise that if I don't hear from you, I won't write again._

_I can't even begin to describe to you what's it's like, in here. It's been so long since I've let myself even think about it, but since the guard has been drip feeding me little titbits about you, it's like senses I had forgotten I had are working again. Did you know, that until just a couple of days ago, I couldn't remember what the aurora looked like? Then I thought about that first night I spent with you, and it came back so intensely I began to cry. It's been at least ten years since I cried._

~~_Do you cry, Kanna? Did you cry for me? I cried for you. Just this morning, I cried for you, for the first time in such a long time._ ~~

_I knew there was a good reason I stopped writing to you, after a while. I can't bear this. Please, Kanna. I've been thinking about the sound of your voice. What I wouldn't give to hear it again._

_Yours eternally,_

_Hama_

_*_

_My Darling,_

_Even the Fire Nation is feeling a little chillier, if the hour a day I'm allowed outside is anything to go by. I used to fall asleep as early as I could, but lately I've been staying up long into the night, thinking of you._

_At home it must be getting colder, too. And darker. It's so much lighter, up here. Day in day out, it's the same._

_~~Spirits, how much I want you. I bet you're still just as beautiful, even at almost fifty. You know, there are lots of women like us, here. I've even had some propositions. I've indulged, occasionally, but not since I started writing to you again.~~ _

_I know I said I would stop, but I just can't._

_Please, my love. I just want to see you again. It doesn't even have to be soon. I know this must be hard, and I'm sorry._

_Hama_

_*_

_Kanna,_

~~_Please write to me. I don't know what else to say, anymore. It hurts so much._ ~~

_~~Please, Kanna. Please come back to me. Leave it all, and we'll escape together, just like we should have, so long ago~~._

_~~If I don't see you, I truly don't know how I'm going to carry o~~ n._

~~_I love you. I almost wish I didn't. I've managed to restrain myself from saying anything about your husband so far, but the thought of you with someone you don't love, it's killing me. Do you love him? I've heard you had many proposals, and you went for the one with the biggest salary. Isn't it terrible? Is it what you want? Is it what you ever wanted? Or are you as much a prisoner as I am?_ ~~

_~~You aren't mine, anymore, I know that. It's been almost four months, now, and you haven't written back. I need to give you up. I know I lost you long ago, but I think for all this time I was holding onto you, onto the ghost of the memory of your touch. Every time I was with those other women, I was thinking of you. I swear it.~~ _

_Finally, I know what your son's called. Hakoda. That's a beautiful name. He's sixteen or so, isn't he? Why only one, I wonder? And I hear he's smart, too, just like you. And a good hunter. That's amazing. You must be so proud of him. ~~You and his father.~~_

_Spirits, this is a mess. I can't think straight. I'm scared I might be finally going mad. Kanna, sometimes I feel like I've always been here. Like the Water Tribe is just some figment of my imagination. The only things I have left are my hair comb and my memories. The memory of your face before the door of that ship shut in mine._

_Well, that was a long night. I feel better now. Calmer. I probably shouldn't send this, but I think I will, just in case it makes your change your mind._

_Forever yours_

_Hama_


	10. Bato: Blood ran in little tributaries, flowing back into the sea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Couple of specific trigger warnings for this chapter: there is description of a seal being butchered (graphic, but takes place in a dream), and Bato's father briefly uses physical force and threatens him.
> 
> That's all, I think. Enjoy!

The rain had turned to sleet, and the sleet had turned to snow. It had snowed a few times since the brief fall had finally given way to winter temperatures, although it had always disappeared by the next morning. But the snow Bato watched through the window of the draughty shelter fell in fat, fluffy flakes; the light was fading fast outside, but he could see what was left of the vegetation disappearing beneath a blanket of white. Bato wiggled his numb toes inside his boots and stretched to throw another log on the burner. The fishing conditions had become unpleasant hours ago, and he was relieved when his father sent him into the shelter to get a fire going.

Now that the flames were of sufficient size and heat they wouldn't burn themselves out the minute he turned his back, Bato fetched his sketchbook from the bag he'd stashed it in and curled up with it as close to the burner as he dared. It had gotten a little damp at the top edges where the rain had soaked in, but none of the drawings were ruined. Holding his pencil (which he'd stolen from the school's art department cupboard) in his mouth, he flicked through to the sketch he'd been working on the previous night. The light was terrible for drawing, but he never let little things like that stop him.

Bato liked to think of himself as humble, but even he would admit it was good, especially how it was done from nothing but memory. He smiled to himself, tracing his fingertips against the grainy paper. They were just markings on a page, meaning nothing except that which his mind assigned to it. And yet...

Koda's eyes were closed in pleasure as seal blood dribbled from his mouth, down his chin and onto his neck. The image had come to Bato in a dream a few nights ago. They were seal hunting, out on the ice, yet wearing summer clothing. Bato had been the one to slice the seal open. He watched its innards fall onto pristine white snow, hissing as the heat of life made contact with the cold that sustained it; blood ran in little tributaries, flowing back into the sea.

Then, Koda got on his knees, and they locked eyed. Koda smirked, then bent his head and tore off a chunk of raw flesh with his teeth, like a polar bear, or perhaps a wolf. Slowly, he lifted his head back up, chewing, blood running shamelessly in rivers from his soft mouth. The high of the hunt had brought his own blood into his face, making his cheeks glow. His arms were bare, the muscles shifting beneath his skin to hold him up; he watched his throat bob as he swallowed. And Bato remembered just knowing that Koda was asking, practically inviting him. Bato didn't want to just kiss him, fuck him, even. He wanted to pounce, push him onto his back, rip his skin open and _devour_ him.

Bato had woken up with ruined bedsheets and and urgent _need_ to draw, to capture the image in his mind before it was lost forever. He could barely look at Koda that day; there wasn't a second that he wasn't desecrating him with _those_ thoughts. In Geography, Koda was doing nothing but innocently working through some bullshit task they'd been given (Novik was clearly a little hungover), but his shirt was hanging open just a little bit, and all Bato could think was that he wanted to plant his mouth on his neck and suck the salt from his skin and the iron from his blood, feel his pulse thrum beneath his tongue.

Bato exhaled and shifted. The heat of the fire prickled at his face, but it was nothing compared to the furnace that engulfed his body. The more he tried not to think about him, the more he wanted to, and the... _worse_ his thoughts were. Koda's face was almost perfect; it maybe needed just a tiny bit more shading around the eyes. In the dream, his eyes had been so intense that Bato didn't think he could possibly think about them long enough to draw them and survive. 

He didn't bring the sketchbook to school, anymore. Not after Pon had gotten hold of it at Koda's house a few weeks ago. He had flicked through it so fast he couldn't have possibly seen much, but never had Bato felt such anger, such _panic._ Bato thought of his sketchbook as sacred, the only place where he truly could be honest. It was like Pon had ripped his heart from his chest and started tossing it up and down. At first, he hadn't dared draw Koda, but then he'd started with little outlines of his hands, then his mouth, all the different expressions of his eyes, and sometimes more than that on nights he was feeling bold; things that Bato could look at when he was feeling lonely or before he went to sleep and feel all warm. But when Koda had come back into the living room, Bato had been so afraid he would see it and find out. So he'd snapped at him, possibly for the first time ever. And then, in a desperate attempt at damage control, feeling like he would burst if he didn't, he told Hakoda he was gay.

He wasn't surprised at Koda's almost nonchalant reaction. He could trust him, after all. Bato's plan had been that it would explain to Koda any tension that he'd noticed between them, think it was nothing personal, and allow Bato to move on. He'd seemed to have thrown Koda off the scent, but the last part of the plan hadn't worked; his feelings had only gotten stronger, the yearning and the sadness that he just could not have him. 

How long could he carry on like this? How long would it be before he _snapped_? Was a life without Koda the way he wanted him worth living at all, a life without ever knowing the taste of the skin he craved with every cell in his body?

He threw another log onto the fire, and began to gently add shading to his lips.

What would happen, if he kissed him? Who decided it was wrong, and why? He hadn't reacted badly to him telling him he was gay. Maybe-

"Ah, good fire, there, son."

Bato only just managed to avoid jumping as his father clapped him on the back and plonked the cooler full of fresh fish at the furthest end of the old shelter from the burner. Sivak - his father's friend - came in just behind him, pulling the door shut against the building snowstorm.

"Spirits, it's bloody cold out there."

Sivak also gave him a clap on the back and crouched beside him with his hands almost touching the burner. He was a big man, thickly muscled from years working in the mines. Bato carefully shut his sketchbook and slipped it back into his bag. 

"Aye, I think it'll be ice fishing, from now on."

His father and Sivak chuckled at each other, before his father brought over three fish to be cooked over the burner. Bato and his father often didn't see eye to eye, but on fishing trips he felt they could understand, or at least respect, each other. It was his mother, who suggested he go along, on this one. And it had been good, to get out, and spend a bit of time with him; fishing was something they both loved. 

"So, Bato, tell me more about Hekka. Your mother and I can't get a straight answer out of her about why she wants to leave school now when she's only got a few months to go."

He sounded bright enough as he ate, but it was disconcerting; he'd heard more words from his father in the past twenty four hours than he had for weeks. 

"Uh.." Bato began. He'd promised Hekka he wouldn't say anything. She'd come home in tears a week ago from and told him the school had said she was on her last warning, and if she got under a certain grade on some test they would chuck her out, and she wanted to leave before she was forced to go. 

_"I just can't take it anymore,"_ she'd snivelled. _"They told me there's no point in me even being there, and that they don't know what makes me think I'll pass the exams I failed last year."_

"I'm not sure", he said, staring at his fish. "She hadn't said much to me about it."

"I don't blame her, " Sivak said, rubbing his father's shoulder. "There's no point sitting in a sinking boat."

Bato watched his father's eyes slide to Sivak, almost shyly. They had always been close, but there was a certain tension between them Bato had never noticed, until now. 

"Hmm," his father said, distracting himself with picking some bones out of his fish. "Perhaps you're right. She's gotten further than Kinara and I got, anyway."

"Yeah, it's not like she's going to Ba Sing Se and needs the grades, eh?"

They both laughed.

"Two of Bato's pals are very bright. Don't know where it came from with Ponroq, but Hakoda's father's high up in local offices for the oil."

"Good for him," Sivak muttered dryly. "Not much good for the rest of us, though. It's those Fire Nation fuckers who are to blame for this, selling us out like we were nothing more than a shoal of fish they'd caught and didn't have room on the boat for. You know, they're still holding a load of us there, that militant group."

"That was one girl, and she killed three soldiers," his father said. "And the Earth Kingdom's not all terrible, I suppose. The roads up to Omashu are good now, and we've got more autonomy than we had under the Fire Nation."

"Aye, and a lot more rules to abide by. That was what the militants were against. Some of them were homosexuals, if I remember rightly, and would end up going to prison once Earth Kingdom law came into force."

Bato held his breath. His father stopped chewing for a second, blinking into the fire. He glanced at Bato, just for a moment. His face held no expression, no movement except for the light of the flames flickering in his eyes.

Then he shrugged.

"I must say, I was very surprised when they overturned that, a few years back. Probably to save money censoring the crap they show from the Fire Nation on the television."

His father gave a flat chuckle, and threw the last of the bones onto the fire. 

They had been up early that day, to arrive in time to make the best use of the available daylight, so they went to bed not long after that. When Bato woke up, the light was dim, but what was there reflected against the thick snow. Sivak and his father were out shovelling a path through it so Sivak's truck could get out onto the road. Bato watched them out the window, or more to the point watched his father watch Sivak. After a minute or so, Sivak put his shovel down, and they talked for a few seconds. Then Bato's father stepped forward, pushed Sivak up against the door of the truck, and planted a kiss on his lips.

A gasp ripped from Bato's throat. He watched as Sivak closed his eyes for a second, then thrust his father back from the shoulder so he landed in a heap in a pile of snow. He stared, disgusted, for a second, then went back to shovelling like nothing had happened. Tears pricked Bato's eyes as he watched his father pull himself to his feet, gazing after Sivak with his jaw loose. He staggered back to the shelter, and thrust the door open.

Bato wasn't fast enough getting away from the window in time. They stared at each other for a moment. Then he stormed over, picked Bato up the collar of his jacket and thrust him up against the wall. The world spun, and his father's face was so close to his he could smell his breath.

"If you _ever_ tell your mother about what you just saw, I will kill you. Do you understand me?"

Gasping, Bato squeezed his eyes shut and nodded. These days, his father was one of the few people actually taller than him. His father tightened his grip, then let him fall to the ground.

"Get ready to leave," he said. "Now."

Bato sat in the back of the truck as Sivak made their slow way home through the snow. He hid himself under a tarp, which kept the worst of the dampness off his head. Even hours later, he was still shaking. He reached into his bag and brought out Koda's hoodie, and brought it to his nose to smell. Only, instead of making him feel calmer, his eyes began to water.

Through a hole in the tarpaulin, Bato looked up a the sky. It was already dark this far south, and the sky was clear. He gazed up at the stars which had been there long before him, and would be there long after him, and replayed the scene he'd witnessed earlier over and over in his head until Sivak's face morphed into Koda's and his father's became his own.


	11. Hakoda: until he was able to pick it up and cradle it close

Hakoda had made it to the bathroom just in time.

The tiles were cold and hard beneath his knees, but he dared not stand up, yet. He let the toilet lid fall closed and slumped over it, burying his throbbing head in his arms. His mouth and throat burned, and he could feel vomit drying on his chin. 

That made the third time in the last week.

Slowly, Hakoda wiped at his eyes and lifted his head, squinting against the harsh light hanging from the ceiling. The bathroom of Malina's house was tiny and damp-smelling, the ancient wallpaper curling at its yellowed edges. But throwing up was throwing up, regardless of where you did it. The last time had been on Thursday evening in the middle of fighting with his Maths homework, and then on Monday he'd been so nervous about handing in the latest Literature essay (which he had gone over and over and over but could never get it to be any less shit) he'd woken up in the middle of the night and had to run out of bed. Both times had been at his own house, in a spacious bathroom that smelled of pot pourri and bleach, but it hadn't made the experience any more pleasant. Not with the way it felt like there was a hand inside him, slowly twisting his organs. He groaned, shivering, and pressed one of his arms tight against his middle.

The others were probably wondering where he'd gone, but he didn't quite trust that he wasn't going to be sick again. What would his mother say he should do? Water. A drink would help.

He thought he must resemble a newborn caribou as he hauled himself up with one arm, but his legs held. From there, it was just a couple of stumbling steps to the tiny, grey sink. He turned the cold tap on full blast and drank straight from the flow of water. It was heavenly, washing away the lingering taste of bile in his mouth, even though it sprayed everywhere. When he couldn't drink anymore, he shut it off and wiped his chin with his sleeve. Finally, he could breathe normally again.

There was absolutely no way he was getting an A on tomorrow's Geography test.

Hakoda sighed and stared at his reflection. He'd been conscious he'd been adding the square root of fuck all to the group study session, but now he saw why none of the others had questioned him on it. His eyes were bloodshot from lack of sleep, and his skin full of angry pimples, while his hair fell in front of his eyes in greasy clumps.

It had been almost a week now, and Bato was still avoiding him. He'd been on a fishing trip with his father last weekend; Hakoda had been excited to hear about it, but Bato wouldn't speak more than a couple of words to anyone at a time, not even to him. With every day that passed, Hakoda watched as Bato drew further and further into himself. The thought of Bato in such pain was like being harpooned. It cut through all his worry about school, about his future, about the fact that when he got the results for this test back that he had only just started studying for today his father was going to be so disappointed in him he would never speak to him again, about the fact it would mean he was a complete failure....

It seemed that the more he tried _not_ to think about Bato, the more aggressive his worries became about making themselves felt; his head and stomach had barely stopped hurting all week. He'd had a few days respite, once he'd confessed to his mother that he'd been struggling with his feelings about men. She had told him that she had once loved a woman, Hama, who had killed three Fire Nation soldiers in a violent protest twenty years ago and had been in a prison outside Caldera City ever since. He'd felt... not normal, but certainly less like a freak of nature, knowing his mother was inclined the same way. He'd even encouraged her to go and see Hama, and finally reply to the letters she'd been hiding from his father for four months. 

And the possibility had come to him that what he was feeling around Bato may be more than just friendship. He'd poked it around in his mind with the longest stick he could conjure, turning it over and over, edging ever closer, until he was able to pick it up and cradle it close. Bato, who was always there for him. Bato, his best friend. Who, in the brief moments their gazes met, looked at him with soft eyes, and a gentle upturn to his mouth, like he was the most precious thing in the world.

Over the past week, he'd looked over at him so many times, wanting reassurance, or expecting to feel his comforting hand on his arm, only to be met with the barest of glances, if he was lucky. Just when he'd begun to admit to himself the idea of Bato's arms around his waist appealed to him, and how when their eyes locked he would very much like nothing more than to close the distance between them and kiss him. Even in his dreams...

Oh, the _dreams._ Hakoda let out a quiet moan to himself, watching as a smile spread over his face. He'd always had vivid dreams, but the imprint on his mind of flashes of bare skin stuck in his head all day. And every time he looked at Bato at _just_ the right angle, he would suddenly be reminded of a specific moment, and his cheeks would grow warm and he couldn't concentrate on whatever it was he was supposed to be doing.

In the mirror, he watched as his smile slid from his mouth. It was his own fault that he wasn't going to do well on this test. He should have known better than to distract himself like that. But it was so hard not to; the thoughts seemed to take on a force of his own, that he was powerless to stop. And he didn't _want_ to stop. But he had to. Even if Bato had been a girl, he didn't have time to date, anyway.

The tap _drip, drip, dripped_ the seconds away. He had to get back, before anyone started worrying about him. With one deep breath in and out, Hakoda took another drink of water before trudging back into the living room. 

"Where's Bato?" he asked.

Malina looked up from drawing pretty pictures over her notes, and shrugged.

"Out for a fag."

Hakoda furrowed his brow.

"Yeah, we were surprised, too," said Pon, bringing out yet another packet of boiled sweets from his bag. 

"Is he ok?"

Malina and Pon stopped what they were doing and looked at each other for a few seconds, having some silent conversation.

"Uh...well, he didn't want _us_ following us out, put in that way."

Malina nodded her agreement. Pon cleared his throat and busied himself with tipping out the sweets into the enamel dish he'd been using to hold them in. 

"We were actually pretty sure you _did_ know, to be honest, Hakoda. Because-"

Pon tapped her arm and shook his head. 

Hakoda didn't even wait to find out what she was going to say. He marched through the house to the front door, forgetting to pick up his coat, and stepped out into the freezing night air. Bato sat on one of the chairs on the front porch, twirling an unlit cigarette between his fingers. 

"Hey," Hakoda said. Bato didn't look at him; he wasn't even sure he had heard him. Hakoda wanted to go to him, but his feet were frozen to the spot. His stomach began churning again; he swallowed, praying that there was nothing left inside him to actually throw up.

"Since when did you smoke?"

"I don't," Bato mumbled. He stared at him feet. "It was just an excuse to get some air."

"Oh. Ok. So..."

Hakoda took a few tentative steps towards him, until he could sit beside him in the empty chair. Even then, Bato didn't look at him. Hakoda sat on his hands, not trusting himself to not reach out and touch him.

"What do you _want,_ Hakoda?"

Only then did Bato _finally_ jerk his head and snarl at him. Hakoda's mouth fell open, and tears pricked at his eyes. Bato's almost feline eyes were watering, too, his lashes damp and the porchlight reflecting off the tear tracks on his face. 

"I... I just want to make sure you're alright. You've acting weird all this week."

Bato burst to his feet and walked out into the darkness of the front garden.

"Just leave me alone."

A tear fell from Hakoda's eye. He wanted to join him in the darkness, take him into his arms, hold him and be held in return. He craved it with every cell in his body.

But he couldn't.

He went back inside and started packing his bag.

"Wait, are you leaving?"

Hakoda sniffed, and ignored Pon and Malina's staring. He zipped up his bag (which weighed a ton) and hauled it onto his shoulder.

"I'll see you at school tomorrow."

"Hakoda, wait! What -"

By the time Malina would have finished her sentence, Hakoda was already tucking his jacket under his arm and walking out of the back door. 

*

If Hakoda slept at all that night, it couldn't have been more than for a few minutes. He took painkillers as often as he was able to with the dosages, and he tossed and he turned. At some point, he was sick again. It was just bile, that seemed to burn a hole through the back of his throat. After that, he took out his Geography stuff and tried to study for a while. But he was so tired the words just swam about on the page.

He tried not to think about Bato. He tried not to think about what he possibly could have done wrong. They told each other everything. Bato had told him he was gay, for Spirit's sake. And Hakoda had just about come to terms with the fact that he hadn't been imagining the tension between them. 

But then he'd been acting like _that,_ and Hakoda didn't know what to do anymore.

He stayed in bed until the time he usually got up for school. His mother had a day off work that day; perhaps talking it over with her would help. The room span as he sat up, but he managed to push himself to his feet. The pain had faded to a dull ache, but that was probably only because he almost certainly had more painkillers in his system than he was supposed to, having lost track at some point during the night of how much he'd had of what. As he trudged down the stairs, he had to grip the bannister hard to stop his sweaty palms sliding down ahead of him.

He came to the kitchen door expecting to see his mother, only to find his father at the table, drinking coffee and reading the paper.

"You're running late," his father said, without looking up.

"Where's Mum?"

"At work. There was an accident down one of the mines last night, and they needed an extra pair of hands at the hospital. I'm taking today off to do what she was going to do round the house."

Hakoda sighed and slumped against the doorframe. His father lowered the newspaper a fraction of an inch.

"What's wrong?" 

"Nothing, I'm fine."

"Sure? You're sweating buckets."

"Ugh! I said I'm fine, Dad."

Hakoda's heart was racing; he shifted and wiped the back of his hand across his forehead, which sure enough came away wet.

"Hakoda, cut the attitude and tell me what's wrong -"

"It doesn't matter!"

His father put the newspaper down and peered at him with a sight furrow of his brow that passed for concern.

"I'm phoning your mother."

"No, Dad, please don't, I'm fine, she'll just worry."

But his father was already getting to his feet. Hakoda groaned as his vision suddenly tipped.

"I don't care. We have been worried sick about you for weeks now."

"For fuck's sake, I told you it's nothing -"

"DON'T YOU _DARE_ SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT!"

His father's fist slammed against the table. The coffee sloshed over the side of his cup and onto the table, staining the newspaper. Hakoda's blood turned to ice in his veins. They both gasped for breath. Hakoda blinked tears out of his eyes.

"You don't care about me, anyway."

If his father had an answer to that, he didn't hear it as he bounded up the stairs. By the time he got to the bathroom, the loose t-shirt he had worn to bed was stuck to his skin. He locked the door and fell to his knees, doubling over against the knife that was twisting his organs. He hadn't eaten anything since he'd been sick at Malina's the previous night, but his mouth was still filling with saliva, and there was something creeping up his throat -

He didn't know what could possible be coming up, but as he retched, it tasted _different._ Metallic, almost meaty. Like...

He kept his streaming eyes screwed shut. No. This wasn't happening to him. His breath came in wet gaps, and he shivered, and shivered. But he had to look eventually.

There wasn't much, but it was there.

" _Shit."_

He scrambled for the handle to flush it away. Slowly, he got to his feet and went to the mirror. Maybe he'd imagined it. Maybe it was a dream. He clung to that little sliver of hope, only for it to dissipate as soon as he saw his reflection.

Blood dribbled down his chin onto the neckline of his t-shirt. When he opened his mouth, it coated his teeth like a rabid wolf that had just made a kill. It was bright, bright red. 

He had a choice to make. He could tell his father, who would almost certainly rush him straight to hospital. But then he'd have to get round the fact the reason he had been throwing up so much was because he was worried about failing the Geography test, because he hadn't studied for it, and he had potentially ruined his future all because of his feelings for Bato. 

Or he could just go to school, and hope he wouldn't die.

He took a deep breath, and rinsed his mouth out.

By the time he was dressed and coming down the stairs in his school uniform a few minutes later, his father waiting, wringing his hands in front of him. He stared at him, biting his lip, as though he had something on the tip of his tongue he couldn't bring himself to say. He was blocking the door. Hakoda sighed sharply and folded his arms. 

After a few seconds, Arnoq shook his head, and stood back to let him leave for school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not 100% happy with this, but I'm currently on a teaching placement and have a lot less time to write. But I'm determined to finish this story and will try to update every 1-2 weeks. Thank you so much for reading, commenting and leaving kudos - only 4 more chapters to go!


	12. Bato: So quietly he couldn't even hear himself over the rush of blood in his ears and the crackle of the fire in the hearth.

The nights now lasted from early afternoon to almost midday, leaving just a few hours when the sun would peep over the horizon, only to to collapse below it again as if its strength gave out. And with the darkness came a bitter cold that cut through to the bone; Bato had slept in his parka, and even then he'd woken twice through the night with numb toes. When he'd finally given up trying to sleep shortly before he thought his alarm clock was due to go off, he reached one hand out from under the duvet to flick his lamp on. Nothing happened. A few seconds later, he heard floorboards creak, and then a dismayed cry.

_"DAD! None of the lights are working!"_

Bato sighed, and turned over in bed to face away from the door. There was a deep rumble as his father got up to investigate. Perhaps if he just lay there, they would forget he existed.

 _"Bato, get up,"_ his mother said, rapping on his door. _"The electricity's out. Your father needs you to hold a torch for him."_

Bato lay still as he listened to her footsteps recede towards the kitchen. No such luck, then. He sighed again, hauled himself so he was sitting upright. He blinked a few times, but his room with as pitch black with his eyes open as it was with them closed. No light was needed, though, to feel the way his breath froze in front of his face. He sniffed and rubbed his aching eyes, wondering where the box of tissues he'd been using last night to mop up his tears had ended up.

Oh, there was a Geography test today, wasn't there? Yes, that was right. He was well prepared, for once in his life. In fact, he'd been glad of the distraction last week, anything to stop him from ruminating over what happened last weekend. Anything to stop him thinking about the one thing he wanted in the world and could not have.

Bato fumbled about for his slippers, almost tripping over his sketchbook. He looked down, swallowing, and willed away the water that was threatening to leak from his eyes. No matter what light he shone on then, he would never again see any of his drawings again, for he'd come back from Malina's and scribbled every single one of them out. He'd thought of burning it, or throwing it in the lake; the lake was frozen, and there was something about burning away his secrets in the fireplace his family sat around that didn't feel right to him.

He wouldn't think of Koda, anymore. He had done what he could for the past week not to speak to him, not to fuel the flames, even though it felt like his heart had been torn out through his chest a thousands times.

He would never forgive himself, for last night. Koda was there for him, and he had pushed him away.

What a coward he was.

_"Bato! Get out your pit and come help me. I need to look at the fusebox."_

Although, his father hadn't been a coward, and look where that had got him...

_"Kinara! What did you do with the bloody matches?"_

_"How the bloody hell should I know? You were the one who lit the fire last night, Uminaq!"_

_"Ach, I can't see I damn thing! Bato, hurry up!"_

By the time his father had figured out the offending fuse that had blown and replaced it, the frost that crusted the inside of the windows had spread to even the even his father's eyes.

"Get ready," his father gruffed at him, once the lights were back on. He hadn't met his eyes all week, not since he'd pinned him up against a wall and threatened to kill him.

As Bato crunched his way to school through the snow (without Hekka, for the first time), he kicked a question round his head that he'd been wrestling with all week; did he want the life of his father? It seemed inevitable. Was it worth living? Was it worth living if he couldn't have the life he wanted?

Malina and Pon at least knew not to ask him about what was on his mind. After the shit show that was their group study session last night, none of them were in the mood to talk. The warning bell went, and still Koda wasn't there.

"Oh, shit, he's gonna have a mental breakdown if he misses this test," Pon muttered. Even the mention of him sent Bato's heart racing. This was too much. He couldn't take it. He wanted it to end.

With a second to go before the late bell, Koda entered Novik's classroom.

Bato blinked, and any thoughts of himself and his stupid fucking feelings drained from his mind. Koda had dark circles under his eyes, his hair was loose and unbrushed; despite the cold, he had a sheen of sweat on his forehead. He didn't even try to catch Bato's attention as he collapsed into his seat.

"Are you alright?" he asked. Not that he had any right to, after ignoring him for a week. Koda sighed, shakily. 

"I should probably kill myself after this test," he said, his voice the whimper of a dying wolf.

"Hey, it'll be ok," Bato said. "Koda, I'm sorry. I..."

He couldn't finish; there was nothing he could say, anymore.

*

Bato did a question. Then he glanced at Koda. Then he did another question. Then he looked at Koda again. Each time, his head was a fraction of an inch closer to the desk. By the time he was on the last question – a written one allocated an entire page in the answer book – he had braced his feet in a way he could leap out of his seat at any moment and stop his friend from slumping to the floor. He glanced at the clock. Quarter of an hour to go. He should have enough time to finish the test. But Koda was clearly more unwell than he’d been letting on. No, he needed to finish this. No, Koda needed him.

Bato glanced up at Novik. Throughout the test, she had been periodically patrolling through the desks in between cleaning her blackboard and doing bits and pieces of paperwork. Right then, she was perched on the corner of her desk, swinging one of her high heels off her toes, her arms folded, chewing her lip. She glanced around the room, but her eyes kept coming back to the place just to Bato’s right, where Koda sat.

He heard Koda sigh, suddenly. A shaky sigh, too heavy to be natural. Bato turned his head a fraction and in his peripheral vision saw him put his pen down and lay his head on the desk.

Before Bato could look back at her, Novik was crouching by his desk.

“How close are you to finishing?” she whispered, the painted fingernails of one hand covering her mouth. She schooled her expression well, and Bato felt a wave of relief spread from his gut.

“I just have the last question to do.”

“Ok. That’s fine. I don’t think Hakoda’s doing very well. I would take him up to the medical room myself but I have to stay with the class until the end of the period. Would you be willing to keep him company?”

“Yes,” he said, without thinking.

“Thank you, Bato. I know for a fact you’ll get an A in this, so don’t worry about the last question.”

She gave him a quick smile and then walked over the couple of steps to stand behind Koda and place her hands over his shoulders. The people nearest them had noticed and were beginning to turn to see what was going on.

“Come on, you’re not well. You’re going home.”

It took Koda a second or two to react. He groaned as he stood up. His arms shook, and his face was pinched in pain and his hair at his temples was damp. Bato felt his heart leap into his chest as he got to his feet and quickly supported one of his arms around his shoulders at the same time as he grabbed hold of Koda’s bag. He could barely stand, and Novik was unsteady in her heels, so Bato had to take nearly all of his weight. He was dimly aware that everyone had stopped writing and was looking at them, but Bato didn't care.

It couldn't have been long that he sat with Koda before his father came to collect him, but it felt like hours. With every passing minute, Koda grew paler and paler, slumped against Bato's shoulder, shivering.

" _Stay awake, for me,"_ he whispered to him, when the school nurse stepped out of the room for a second. _"I'm right here."_

Koda didn't say anything to him, except to let out the odd agonised moan.

It took both Bato and Arnoq to get him into the car.

"Did he say what was wrong with him?"

Arnoq's tone was calm, but his eyes were frantic, like he was watching an avalanche rush towards him with nothing he could do to avoid it.

Bato shook his head. Koda's father sighed and rubbed his face.

"I knew I shouldn't have let him leave, this morning. Right, I better get him home. See what Kanna thinks."

He squeezed Bato's shoulder, gave him a small smile. As he was walking round to the driver's door, Bato leaned into the open passenger door and grasped Koda's clammy hand.

"I'll come and see you, later, ok?"

Koda kept his eyes closed, but nodded. He squeezed his hand back, and rubbed his thumb over the back of Bato's.

Arnoq got in the car; Bato snatched his hand back, and reluctantly shut the door.

He watched them drive away with a tear running down his cheek, which froze before it could fall to the ground.

*

Bato placed another lump of coal on the fire. Koda lay on the couch in his parent's living room, under a blanket, working his way through a manga. They sat in companionable silence, and Bato allowed himself to look at him, because for a moment he had known what it felt like to think he may lose him. A life without his love was bearable, because a life without him at all truly wasn't.

"What you drawing?" Koda asked. His smile was weak, but it was there.

"Nothing very interesting. Just testing it out."

At the hospital, had Kanna given him money to get everyone a bar of chocolate each, and 'something for yourself', so Bato bought a sketchbook. It was a cheap, shitty one, but he could draw on it all the same. It transpired the reason Koda had looked like shit on Monday was because he'd been throwing up all night, and had vomited blood just before he left for school. He'd done it again once he'd gotten home, only Arnoq saw it, and took him straight to the hospital. It turned out he'd been taking too much of a type of painkiller, which coupled with the stress he was under had given him a stomach ulcer. But he was home now, and Bato had spent every spare moment by his side, drawing. Kanna had given him a soft, significant look as she came in with a tray of (long demolished) snacks, and let them be.

Sensing Koda was in the mood to chat, Bato got up and came to sit beside him on the couch. Carefully, he helped Koda manoeuvre himself so he was sitting upright.

"Thanks," he said. "It's been great, having you here. I'd be so bored, otherwise."

"It's alright. I was worried about you."

"Yeah. I'm an idiot."

It went without saying that Koda had gotten the row of his life from Kanna, once it was clear he wasn't about to die.

"So, did Novik say anything about the test, when she phoned?"

"She said not to worry about it, and she'll let me do it when I'm ready. And she's convinced my parents to tell the guidance department to fuck off about me getting straight A's. Apparently they're pressured to do that because the Earth Kingdom government wants to make it as hard as possible for the Water Tribe to get into Ba Sing Se because they don't want a mass exodus of us moving out, or they would have to relocate people from up north to work the mines and stuff."

Bato felt a pang of anger for him. How dare they, treat his Koda like he was a Pai Sho tile? 

"Oh, right. I see."

They were quiet for a moment. Then Koda sighed contently and laid his head back.

"Sorry, I'm tired."

"That's alright. Just sleep if you need to."

It was still only mid afternoon, but already night-time was well underway. Bato squeezed Koda's arm and went to sit back on the floor; he was asleep in moments.

The living room had a cave like atmosphere, terrible for drawing, but Bato didn't care. He had been waiting for this, to capture his beautfiul sleeping face. Bato wasn't over his feelings, and possibly never would be, but he had accepted that not being with Koda was better than the alternative he thought he could be facing. He would stick with Koda through thick and thin, no matter what; so long as he was there, alive, Bato would take any crumb he could get.

When Kanna had finally dropped him home from the hospital late on Monday night, Bato had overheard a phone call between his father and Sivak; his father told Sivak that he was sorry, and that having him there made his miserable life worth it, even if it wasn't exactly what he wanted.

Bato's attention was captured by the sound of Kanna and Arnoq talking just beyond the living room door.

 _"I'm sorry,"_ Kanna said, softly. _"We're both a fault, here."_

_"We are. I love you, Kanna. I want you to do what makes you happy. If you want to see her, please go."_

_"Thank you. And, I love you, too."_

_"I wont ever forgive myself for letting him walk out the front door when I knew something was wrong."_

Bato lowered his new sketchbook, for a moment. Koda sighed in his sleep, his lips slack, one hand reached toward him. As Bato looked at him, his heart gave a hopeful squeeze. He knew what he wanted to do. Slowly he got to his knees, and scooted back over to kneel in front of him. He glanced over at the door, and made sure he didn't have an audience. Then, with a deep breath, he let himself place as single kiss to Koda's forehead. His skin tasted dry, and warm and a little sweet.

"I love you," he whispered, so quietly he couldn't even hear himself over the rush of blood in his ears and the crackle of the fire in the hearth.

If Koda was in fact still awake, Bato had probably ruined both their lives as they knew them, but then again...

He sort of hoped he had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys! Again, I apologise, as this chapter is not as polished as I would like, but I just want to keep the momentum going with it as I enjoy writing and sharing it so much. Once my placement is over, I might go back and improve it.  
> Anyway, hope you liked it! There's one more main chapter to go after this, then not one but TWO epilogues....


	13. All my love, Kanna

**Hama,**

**I am truly sorry, Hama, for the pain that I have caused you these past four months. The truth is, I can't say exactly what it was that stopped me replying. Several things, most likely. I tried, a few times, but I could never think how to begin, until now.**

**One advantage of motherhood is that I always have something - someone - to talk about.**

**I've sat down to write this having spent the morning cleaning up the remains of Hakoda's sixteenth birthday party. And this birthday was extra special, because two weeks ago we discovered he had a stomach ulcer which I suspect was caused by a mixture of stress and taking to much ibuprofen to treat the head and stomach-aches of said stress. It seemed a lot more dramatic than it was, but nevertheless, it was the jolt I needed, to finally stop being a coward and give you the respect you deserve by writing back.**

**After you were taken away, I was lost. My parents agreed not to try and force me to get re-engaged to Pakku again (who is still single, by the way, not that I'd imagine you are in any way surprised) on the condition that I stayed for treatment of my 'depravity' at the psychiatric hospital in Omashu for two months. I won't distress you with the details; it's not exactly a secret, what they used to do to us. I was lucky, for I got admitted just before Earth Kingdom law came into effect, or I would've gone to prison, and that would have been the end of my nursing career. I daren't even imagine what if would've done, if that had happened.**

**I missed you, too, Hama. My parents came to see me once every two weeks, when they delivered any mail to me, so of course they never gave me any of your letters. The doctors there told me you never wrote because our love wasn't real, and that it was a sign I should find real love, from a man. Deep down, I could almost feel you reach out to me, but in all but the darkest recesses of my soul, I had to kill any feelings I had for you, before the grief killed me.**

**I had imagined that because I had been with you, I was damaged goods, but it had just seemed to have made me more desirable. I met my husband, Arnoq, at a company dance. One of his colleagues wives was a friend of mine, and she introduced us. He's eight years older than me, nearing forty at the time, the highest up native Water Tribesman in the company, and yet he'd realised that his existence was rather empty. He sought a wife, and a son, to pass something of himself onto. Arnoq is kind, practical, fiercely intelligent. I was invited to watch him hunt shortly afterwards (at the request of my now mother in-law; he can be a little careless, a rather unfortunate tendency Hakoda has seemed to inherit), and after that day I knew I wanted to marry him. I can promise you, I'm not in love with him, not like I was with you, but I do love him. He's very dear to me, and he makes me feel safe. We both wanted children, and I thought that if I could live with any man, it would be him.**

**You'll remember I suffered (I'm very thankful I can say that in the past tense, now, and good riddance!) from such awful cramps. Well, they were a symptom of an underlying problem, that made getting pregnant rather trickier than I'd anticipated. In fact, I was sure I had lost Hakoda around the 6 week mark. But by the time I eventually fell pregnant, I was considered 'old', especially for a first time mother. That made everyone nervous, from the start. And then, towards the end he was discovered to be in a horrendously bad position where his head was stuck under my ribs and he was lying almost sideways. There was one 98 year old midwife who was blind in one eye who was willing to attend me. But she was upfront, and said that if anything went wrong, she would certainly go to jail, and if I survived I possibly could, too. You used to complain that I was too cautious, but sometimes could take a notion. That was not one of those times; I couldn't live with myself if I sent some poor old woman to rot in prison because of me. Although, I suspect she was the type to have a plan for a swift exit, if you catch my drift. Anyway, none of the maternity wards down here are particularly experienced with breech deliveries, and certainly not awkward ones (they almost inevitably become emergency sections, which for obvious reasons was a route I wanted to avoid if at all possible), and so I was the first woman in the Water Tribe to opt for an elective caesarean. Because of my age (it's tragic, that they considered thirty four as 'old', but considering that just a few decades ago there were still sixteen year old girls getting married off , I suppose I was, compared to them) and the level of skill that was required, they even flew a consultant obstetrician down from Ba Sing Se to perform the surgery. I have a spectacular scar, and Hakoda has a nick on his hip where the scalpel just caught him. It started out as a tiny scratch not even a quarter of an inch wide, but it has grown with him. I used to trace it with my finger, sometimes, and wonder what the spirits had planned for us.**

**As soon as I felt strong enough, I took him to see the shaman. She's dead, now; there aren't any left. At first, she didn't know what to make of him. She said the spirits had taken an interest in him. She saw much pain, but much joy as well. She said that more than anything, he would need his mother, and that I would live to a great age just for that very reason.**

**I was strongly advised not to have anymore children, not that I particularly needed any convincing. Although, I would have loved to have given him a sister.**

**There aren't words strong enough to describe a mother's love. You must understand, Hama, there is literally nothing I would not do, for him.**

**Although I haven't been able to bring myself to reply to your letters, until now, they have been on my mind almost constantly. See, Hakoda has a friend. They've been inseparable since they were five years old. There is something going on between them, something they're both aware of but terrified to say anything about. I don't blame them. I wish it didn't have to be like this. I can't stand to see my son in such pain, the same pain I once felt. The pain I still feel, every day. I'd known for weeks if not months that something wasn't right. I put it down to stress over school. But one night he confessed to me he likes both men and women. Oh, Hama, I lie awake and run that conversation through my head over, and over, and over. I don't know if I should have asked him about his feelings for his friend. Then again, I don't know what I would have told him if I had and he'd said he did have them. I just want him to have a life that makes him happy. He's not happy, Hama, and I can't do a thing about it - I can't take away the need for him to excel academically if he wants to go to the university in Ba Sing Se (although I've had some stern words with the school about the pressure they were putting him under), nor can I make a world in which he is allowed to love whomever he loves. He belongs out on the ice, with an entire team of dogs, and spear in his hands, with the arms of somebody he loves and who loves him around him at the end of the day.**

**I'd thought I'd made my own peace with it, as far as I'm able to, but I can't help my son go through the same thing without having addressed my own past. I've taken him to see a psychiatrist in Omashu, who has at least given him some medication to help with the anxiety, but there's a limit to what they can do. So, for Hakoda's sake, I want to come and see you. However, I must warn you, I'm not the same woman who watched you leave the shore of the Water Tribe for the last time. I suspect you will be disappointed, but I need to show him that I can do this. I need him to understand.**

**I'm sorry, Hama. I'm sorry I didn't do more. I'm sorry I let you leave, that morning, knowing what you were planning to do. I'm sorry I didn't try harder to fight for you. I'm sorry.**

**I'll see you soon.**

**All my love,**

**Kanna**


	14. Epilogue 1: Bato - even in his darkest moments

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for mention of an abusive relationship, vague mention of suicidal thoughts, and very brief (non graphic) mention of a traumatic injury.
> 
> Apologies in advance, guys, this is a tough one...

_13 Years Later..._

It had taken two months just to find a piece of whalebone that Bato thought worthy of the design. He'd been making prototypes for two and a half years; secretly, making sure to bury the evidence in the commercial waste containers at work rather than risk his mother or Ukki or Amka finding it when they went for a nosey around the cramped bedsit he rented from the company. He'd had the basic design decided for around five years, and it had been at least twice that since it was first conceived. The strip of indigo dyed seal skin had been procured and finely stitched by Hekka just two days ago, who had cocked her brow but nevertheless wordlessly handed it to him when she stopped by on her way to look after Ukki's son for the day.

As for his courage? Or his _sense_ , for that matter? 

Well...

Bato wiped his thumb across the delicate bumps of the wolf's face and blew away the last few particles of shaved bone like they were the seeds of a tundra dandelion. He watched them in the soft light of his work lamp as they swirled through the air and scattered themselves into the hidden corners and recesses of his kitchen. Finally, all he had to do now was attach it to the seal skin band.

Sighing, Bato stretched out his aching back and stood to reach along the counter for the crumpled piece of paper with the instructions scrawled over it. It had been a challenge, to say the least, to find anybody who still knew how to make proposal necklaces. There were plenty who knew how to make _betrothal_ necklaces; a practice adapted from the Fire Nation aristocrats sent to colonise the Water Tribe hundreds of years ago, up until 50 years ago or so many girls were presented them on their sixteenth birthdays by boys their parents were going to marry them off to. But it never used to be like that. It had taken him months to research, but he eventually came across an old document in an archive in Omashu written by an Air Nomad explaining how betrothal necklaces were adapted from an already existing custom of carving a necklace to propose marriage, to make the process of 'civilising the savages' easier to manage. Whoever the author was had the sense to include a list of instructions for how to make a proposal necklace. There were designs for men, women and everyone in between; it was the feeling of love and the commitment of time and effort that went into the carving that counted.

By the time Bato was finished, he was practically quaking from the amount of coffee he'd been consuming. Still, even as the brief night gave way to the first rays of dawn filtering through the curtains, he had never felt more awake, more alive.

It was an arctic wolf, of course. He had lost count of the number of hours he'd spent trying to get the details of the folds in its fur right, and he thought it was perhaps the best thing he'd ever made. He held it out in front of him, and imagined what it would look like on Koda; the pale bone against his brown skin, right above the soft part of his throat where his pulse was. He even allowed himself to imagine him putting it on him, and how they would look each other in the eyes, and seal their promise with a kiss.

With a deep breath, Bato carefully dropped the necklace into a bubble lined envelop he'd found at the back of the stationary cupboard and placed it into a zipped inside pocket of his work bag. As nearly always on a Friday night, he was going straight to Koda's after work. There was the small matter that Bato hadn't slept, but that was nothing that copious amounts of coffee couldn't solve. In fact, he'd read somewhere that being sleep deprived had a similar effect to being drunk; it was probably just as well, otherwise he'd probably have to get himself drunk to pluck up the courage for what he planned to do tonight.

Perhaps this was a mistake, after all...

Bato collapsed back into his chair and scrubbed at his face; sharp stubble scraped at his palms, which were grazed and nicked raw by the carving tools. He'd thought he'd accepted a long time ago that he would never be able to act on his feelings for Koda. He'd wondered if they'd fade over time, or that he would meet someone else. But neither of those things happened; with every passing year, the ache in Bato's chest only grew stronger. He had his friends with benefits up in Omashu he went to see once a month, but that was a far as he had any desire to take it; he didn't want to spend his life with any of them, with anyone that wasn't Koda.

_"So, Mum had that big talk with me, the other night."_

Last Friday night, they'd been playing Pai Sho on top of Koda's bed, waiting for Pon to come over so they could all go to the pub together.

_"Yeah? So, what was it about?"_

Koda had sighed, and fingered one of his tiles, considering.

_"Just talking about how I need to start seriously looking if I want to marry someone. Apparently my Dad regrets leaving it as late as he did."_

Bato had had the sudden urge to be sick.

_"Oh, right. So, are you? I mean, it's been four years since you broke up with Kenna. And you know there's a lot of interest in you."_

He'd watched intently as Hakoda sighed again, and made his move.

 _"Don't remind me. I mean, I have enjoyed being single, after, you know..._ that."

Koda's eyes had slid to the window, his shoulders slumping, even after all this time. Bato made a mental note to trip her up if they bumped into her that night.

" _Yeah, I can imagine. She was an absolute bitch to you."_

_"Hmm. But, yeah, I see what mum's saying, though. We are coming up to thirty, and I guess that's when it gets serious, you know? And as good as this is, it's not all I want out of life. Know what I mean?"_

Bato kept his eyes on the board. 

_"I get you,"_ he'd said, only just managing to keep the waver out of his voice. He'd known, deep down, there would come a day when the dance he and Koda had been locked in around each other would come to an end; Koda would find a new partner, and he'd have to wander off on his own.

Bato placed one of his tiles in Koda's half of the board.

_"Uh... I'm pretty sure you can't do that."_

It had taken Bato a second to register his voice over the sound of his own blood pumping in his ears. He made himself look up at Koda, who blinked softly at him, chewing his lip. Unable to hold his piercing brown gaze, Bato dropped his eyes to watch the delicate skin of his throat undulate as he swallowed. Bato shifted, then looked down at the tile he'd just moved.

_"Oh, yeah, right, sorry."_

He moved his tile back out of Koda's half of the board.

Thankfully, Pon had arrived not long after that. Hours and copious amounts of beer later, he and Koda had stumbled back and collapsed on top of Koda's bed, giggling like little boys. Bato had been drunk, but not drunk enough not to remember...

The conversation he'd had with Koda had whirled around his head the entire night. He'd known, theoretically, that it was only a matter of time before he wanted to start looking for another girlfriend, but Bato now realised how foolish he'd been to think it wouldn't affect him. Soon, he'd find one, and he'd have lost him forever. Even in his darkest moments, he'd always clung to the tiny, tiny sliver of hope that Koda liked him back. It was there, in the looks they shared, the way his hand sometimes lingered on the small of Bato's back just a second longer that it needed to, the way Koda could melt into his embraces, the way his beautiful eyes and smile lit up his face whenever he saw him. Over the years, Koda had just become more and more handsome; Bato was convinced that if there was such a thing as the pinnacle of creation - the spirits finest work - it would be Koda. If there was a reason the spirits created the universe, it was so that Bato could love Koda. There had been times, especially when they were camping, their bodies pressed tightly together - that Bato had almost given into the animal within and kissed him with every ounce of feeling that he had. And, some of those times, Koda had been staring at his lips, too.

It was those stares and lingering touches that kept Bato working on the necklace. He knew that society would never accept their love, but there was a small part of him that truly didn't care. 

_"Don't go home, Bato,"_ Koda had slurred. He was a little drunker than Bato, his eyes spinning in his head and he reached for Bato's hand. _"Stay with me."_

Bato had giggled back, assuming he was joking. But Koda tugged on his hand, pulling him closer so that their knees were touching. The alcohol had made Koda's skin flushed, and even the zing of the beer on both their breaths didn't stop Bato from wanting to bury his face in his neck and drown in him. The way his tight t-shirt clung to his chest, moving with him, and how his tousled hair fell in his face like some wild spirit come to lure him away...

 _"What's this about?"_ Bato had slurred back, one foot suddenly slipping so that he pitched forward into Koda's chest, whose strong arms came around him. Bato had been so giddy as he looked up, and met Koda's smiling eyes. 

" _Nothing," Koda had said, slightly breathless. "It just feels good."_

_"What? It feels good?"_

_Giggling_ _, Bato had shifted just a little closer, so close he could taste Koda's breath, so close he could feel his heart beat in his chest, feel his blood rush beneath his skin._

_"Mmm. You're my favourite person."_

_"Am I?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"Well," Bato had said, pressing their foreheads together. "You're my favourite person, too."_

Bato wasn't quite sure what had happened in the following 5 seconds or so, the next thing he remembered was the feeling of Koda's lips on his.

For just a minute or so, they existed in their own universe. Or maybe the current one made sense; for a just a few seconds, all of existence came into alignment for Bato, and he finally tasted the meaning of life. He reeked of beer, and sweat, and _Koda._ Once they got started, they were powerless to stop; the more he got, the more Bato wanted. Koda tugged at his shirt, pulling him closer, and Bato pushed him down so his head sank into his pillows. Everything was on fire as Bato laid himself on top of Koda, their bodies fitting together like they were made for each other. Their chins were dribbling with each other's saliva, Koda's hand was sliding down Bato's back, and the little sober voice in Bato's head lost its battle in convincing him not to grind his hips against Koda's. Bolts of pure electricity engulfed his entire body, as they kissed, and tugged, and caressed and...

The edge of Koda's mattress suddenly gave way, and Bato landed on the floor in a heap, giggling, feeling like he'd been thrown ashore from the waves of a stormy sea. He gazed up at the ceiling, Koda's ceiling light swirling round and round in his vision. Koda was laughing, too, handing off the edge of his bed, cheeks flushed and the muscles in his arms straining to hold him up. 

_"Spirits, what was that?"_ Koda sighed, as his eyes drifted closed.

The next thing Bato could recall was waking up on in the same position on Koda's bedroom floor to a pounding headache and a mouth as furry as a badgermole's arsehole. The room stank of beer and stale sweat, making Bato's stomach roil. As he lay trying to muster up the will to at least get a glass of water, wisps of memory began to come back to him. He licked his lips and felt the dried saliva on his chin, and slowly began to realise what he had done.

He didn't dare move until Koda woke up a while later, instead staring at the bits of fluff on the carpet as he lay curled up on himself as his heart threatened to pound itself out of his ribcage. His already beer stained clothes became drenched with fresh sweat. 

_"You awake?"_ Koda mumbled, as he turned over on top of his duvet. Bato simply grunted. The silence after that seemed to stretch on forever, as they both contemplated what had happened. Bato had just been about to crack when Koda said:

_"I'm going to get water. You want some?"_

It was like that morning thirteen years ago, after Koda had cried himself to sleep in his arms, only 100 times worse. They drank some water and ate dry toast in silence, not daring to meet each other's eyes.

 _"I'm going back to bed,"_ Koda had said, laying his head on the kitchen table. Bato licked his lips again, tasting his lips once more. 

_"Sure. I'm was gonna walk back to my parents' anyway."_

Koda had sighed, and given him a thumbs up.

_"Cool. See you next week."_

It was almost bedtime before Bato felt able to drive back to his own apartment. But as he'd spent the day lying on top of his old childhood bed, listening to his nieces and nephew give their grandmother the run around while both their pregnant mothers lazed about on the couch (Hekka, who did more than her fair share of babysitting during the week, had done the sensible thing and taken a couple of extra shifts at work over the weekend), he'd come to several realisations.

The first was that - regardless of what the rest of society thought - there was no doubt that Koda returned his feelings in some way. He had been as into the kiss as Bato had. It had been everything he'd ever imagined it to be. He didn't want to be with anyone else; it was Koda, or nobody at all.

The second was that because of that, Bato didn't want to keep his own feelings to himself, anymore. He'd been working on the proposal necklace for several weeks, but at no point was he ever sure he would ever actually give it.

The third was that he was running out of time.

Every spare minute Bato had had for the next week was spent finishing off the necklace. Now, as he looked at the clock, counting down the minutes until he could leave for work without arriving before the doors were unlocked, he knew he had to tell him tonight. He'd tell Koda how he felt, and give him the necklace, and then he would accept whatever consequences came afterwards; if there was a chance, any chance at all, he wanted to do this, before it was too late.

*

"So, I've met someone."

"Oh? Have you?"

"Yeah. Her name's Kya."

"..."

"Bato?"

"Oh, sorry. It's just... kind of sudden."

"Yeah, I know. I couldn't sleep on Tuesday night, so I went for a drive and went up to Shaman's Rock. She was sitting on top of it when I got up there."

"That's... that's..."

"Almost unbelievable? Tell me about it. But I really liked talking to her, and I spoke to her on the phone last night and... uh... well, I know I've only met her and all, but I have a really good feeling about her."

"Well, that's good."

"I'm meeting her again tomorrow. She lives about an hour away, so we're going to the beach about halfway between us. I'm absolutely shitting myself about it."

"I'm sure it'll be fine. She's really lucky."

"Thanks...Anyway, it's your turn. What was it you wanted to tell me?"

"Oh... nothing important."

"You sure? You seemed kind of keyed up when you came in. You know you can talk to me, right?"

"..."

"Bato?"

"Oh...I know...So, tell me more about her..."

*

On the worst night of Bato's life, he fell asleep in his grandfather's old boat with the necklace clutched in one hand, and hoped he wouldn't wake up.

*

On the second worst night of Bato's life - 20 years later - as he lay half unconscious across the backseat of someone's car with wet towels covering his left arm and shoulder, he kept his right hand in the pocket of his half incinerated jacket and rubbed his thumb across the familiar ridges of the wolf's face. 

_"Let me go with him! Bato! Bato you better hold on for me! I can't do this, again. I can't lose you, too."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, we're nearly finished! Only one more chapter to go... Thank you to everyone for reading, commenting and reading kudos. I really appreciate it.


	15. Epilogue 2: Hakoda - The fire burnt out long before they did

_Come, night, come, Romeo, come, thou day in night;_

_For thou wilt lie upon the wings of night_

_Whiter than new snow on a raven's back._

_Come, gentle night, come, loving, black-brow'd night,_

_Give me my Romeo"_

_*_

_**8 years later...** _

In the flickering orange light coming from the firepit, the threads of silver in Bato's hair glistened like starlight. No matter how long Hakoda looked at Bato, he was always able to find some detail he hadn't noticed before, just as even the achingly familiar sight of winter in the Water Tribe never came exactly the same way twice. 

"I better not have a bald patch I didn't know about."

Pulled from his reverie, Hakoda lowered himself to sit back on his heels behind Bato. He reached around his waist and dipped his fingers back into the pot of salve Bato was holding in his lap.

"No, you're good," he said, gently rubbing it into the rough scar tissue on his left shoulder. "Not that anyone else except for me would notice if you did have one, anyway."

As always, Hakoda concentrated on the tight patches of skin the the very edges of the scar tissue. They were years old, now, and had healed as much as they were ever going to, but Bato was extremely lucky to have most the mobility and function in his left arm that he had before the accident. Even now, Hakoda was still sometimes overcome with a mixture of gratitude and guilt about it; eight years ago, they'd been away on a two week hunting trip with a group of the tribe's best hunters, when one night someone had poured oil onto the dying campfire at the same time the wind picked up, and Bato had pushed Hakoda out of the path of the roaring flames. Hakoda had thought he'd already endured the worst thing that could happen to a man with Kya's sudden death, leaving him a single, grieving father to an eight and ten year old. But that was the night be realised just how much Bato - who had always been by his side - meant to him, despite the decades of ignoring his feelings for him. Bato survived, but he had to spend weeks in a rehabilitation facility in the Earth Kingdom, and then Hakoda's father died, and suddenly Bato was back like a shot and they were sleeping in the same bed and then one evening while they were having dinner with Hakoda's mother she'd banged her wine glass down and said "Spirits, I can't take this anymore. _P_ _lease,_ boys, go home and decide if you're together or not."

Hakoda wrapped his other arm around Bato and pulled him flush against his chest, squeezing his knees on either side of his hips. They were both bare to the waist, the heat of each other's skin all the sweeter as they listened to the freezing wind that swirled outside the igloo they had managed to race against the daylight to build. Bato let out a quiet moan and rested his head against Hakoda's collarbone.

"Six years, huh?" 

Beneath his free hand, Bato's stomach expanded with the deep breaths he took, his pulse thrumming gently against Hakoda's palm. That meant at least he was telling the truth when he said his arm was achy, but not painful. He tired easily, especially doing such hard physical work in the cold of the far south. But considering they were both almost sixty, Hakoda thought he had done well even without the burn injury.

"I know," he said, not even needing to think about how he rubbed the ache out of Bato's shoulder. "I've almost been married to you as long as I was on my own."

Hakoda had never quite stopped being surprised at how quickly an igloo heats up; modern jackets were useless out here, yet under the furs and skins wrapped around their legs, Hakoda could begin to feel a sheen of sweat begin to form on his skin. Bato twisted his head fractionally, peering up at him with a look of concern. Hakoda sighed fondly, and lifted his non salv-ey hand to brush at Bato's cheek, the day old stubble scratching against the pad of his finger. Bato blinked slowly, then settled back against him, tilting his head to allow Hakoda's fingers into the crevices near his neck.

"It's been a weird year, hasn't it?"

"Mmm. But then again, there were lots of good things that came out of it. Sokka and Zuko have probably extended the shelf life of our backs by a couple of decades, for a start, and we'll have a qualified doctor to hand at all times, soon."

Bato chuckled, and clutched Hakoda's free hand in his clammy fingers.

"Shame we didn't get just a little outbreak of it, though, you know, for the benefit of a certain member of the elder council -"

"Bato! That's not funny!"

Hakoda hit him in the ribs, playfully, but couldn't help but laugh in agreement. They both poked as much fun at Pakku as they could, but it had been that old viperbat who had prevented an unanimous agreement from the elder council that would have allowed Hakoda and Bato to have a traditional Water Tribe ceremony; they'd been together for two years, and the day same-sex marriage became legal in the Earth Kingdom they'd instead gone to Omashu to fill in the forms they had to fill in, with the hope that one day they'd be able to do it properly in the Water Tribe territory. His own mother had gone before the council for them, and Pakku's refusal had almost broken her.

"We'll get there eventually. How old is he now?"

"He's 95, I think."

"Spirits, surely he's got to die sometime."

Hakoda was nearly finished with Bato's arm. Although the global pandemic had thrown them a few curveballs this year, he wouldn't have wanted to spend their anniversary anywhere else than they were right now. In the igloo built by their hands, their bellies full of food they had hunted themselves, they could afford to forget the rest of the world for just one night.

"Alright, how's that?"

Bato leaned forward slightly and twisted his arm.

"It's good. Thank you, love."

Bato turned around then, to kneel facing him, and without a second thought gently took hold of his face and kissed him. They must have shared hundreds if not thousands of kisses, by now, and yet Hakoda still felt slightly breathless with each one. 

"I was just thinking," Bato said, draping his arms around him. Hakoda was by no means short at just over six foot, but Bato was a literal giant at six foot six. After fourteen years of enfolding Kya in his arms on a near nightly basis, it was one of his life's greatest pleasures to let himself be encased by Bato's body. He climbed into his lap and pressed himself close, Bato's skin smelling of sweat, the salve, furs, _him._ "I was just thinking of when I first realised I was in love with you. How I just thought that I would have to keep it to myself for the rest of my life. But now I've got _this._ And the fact we're legally married is... It would've blown my mind."

Hakoda grunted into his neck in agreement.

"I think I knew then, deep down, but I just couldn't admit it to myself. And know we don't talk about what ifs, but I do think that had we lived, you know, back then, before the Fire Nation came, I think I could have loved you both."

Hakoda had told Bato this before, so there was no faltering to the way Bato stroked his back. Hakoda reached one hand up to his throat, and gently touched the wolf Bato had carved to him so many years before he had finally fastened it around his neck. Bato smiled, closed his eyes, and gently touched their foreheads together.

"Koda..." he simply said, before his lips found the hollow of his throat.

The fire burnt out long before they did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is it! I think this may be only the second writing project and certainly the first fanfic (that's not a Twilight oneshot from ten years ago) I've ever actually finished, so I'm really proud of myself. I've immensely enjoyed writing it, and fleshing out Bato and Hakoda's characters, their relationship and their culture.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has read, commented and left Kudos. All the feedback I've had had been so positive, and my confidence in my writing skills has had such a massive boost. You're all amazing!
> 
> A few people has asked I'm going to be writing anymore about this AU. The answer to that is absolutely YES. I have got sooooooo many more ideas. Plus, I've just finished my teaching placement, and my area has gone into a near full lockdown for the next few weeks, which means I will have a lot of time to write. So watch this space!


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